Thursday, 20 December 2007

Check this out

Man loses arm...

There are a couple of things that amaze me about this:
One - that someone actually saw this happening and thought "Geez, poor man - I'd better take a photo of this, that'll really help him!".

Two - How thick, really, is the guy who lost his arm? Tigers are big, nasty things, with big sharp teeth and a fondness of red meat (i.e. human flesh). That's why they are kept in cages and not allowed to wander the streets like pidgeons.
"Ok, you want a photo of a tiger? Then get close to the outer cage and try and zoom in between the bars... oh, not good enough? Right, OK, you shouldn't really get close to the inner cage, but there are still bars between you, so if you stay far enough back then it should be.... oh, hold on, I wouldn't put my arm actually IN the cage if I were... see, there, told you so."
Your thoughts have to go out to the mans family, but I bet the last thought this guy had was one of surprise... like "Oh, I didnt expect that!". Twit.

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

Feelings of Inadequacy

I've been reading a couple of other peoples blogs today, and I can't help feeling Im not posting enough 'interesting' stuff. I mean, I have said in the past, I won't pander to what people want and will post whatever the hell I like, but at the same time I am worried that my posts will come across as boring to those people who dont actually know me. (I still dont know what sort of audience this blog gets - I have a few regular readers who comment, and thank you to those (you know who you are) but as to how many people spend time reading my spoutings I have no idea...). Anyway, the very nature of blogs means that the content is king, and if its dull and uninteresting who the hell will want to keep coming back?

The big problem is, of course, I dont have a lot of interesting things to post about... my life is pretty standard / boring / dull / run of the mill... its not as if Im in show business, or I do anything fabulous or exotic. So where would the interesting stuff come from? I will admit to holding back on some things - there are some things I would love to post on here, but the people that would be involved would get very upset / angry / insulted etc. and so I dont. I have been told by a listener that I should write what the hell I like and not to worry about what other people think, and for the most part I do, but I dont think I can post EVERYTHING in my dark, damaged little mind.

So Xmas is nearly here... Im at work tomorrow until lunchtime, then off (yipee!) until Friday 4th January. How sweet is that?? I will be posting over the holiday season, and hopefully it'll be worth reading. Have a good Wednesday all....

Monday, 17 December 2007

Not bad

Not a bad weekend. Football-wise, City won 4 - 2 (NINE home wins now, the only team in the Premier League with 100% home record!) and Jake's team won 4 - 1 to earn second place in their league. This should mean they are promoted after xmas (their league season is split into two, before and after xmas). Apart from that, not much really happened... the dog still gets up way too early, (this morning, for example, he was up at 4.30 for Gods sake... he tried to settle, but in the end I was sitting down stairs with him at 5.30), but otherwise he's behaving.
I know it sounds a bit harsh, but Im really looking forward to the end of this week. The family (dog included) are going away on Thursday afternoon and coming back on Sunday, so I have two WHOLE days to myself. I have decided that one of those days will be a pampering day, just for me. Im gonna buy myself some nice food for dinner, Im gonna catch up watching all the things I've Sky +'ed, and generally relax before the xmas madness kicks in.
So have a good Monday everyone.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Trying harder

Im sorry for being on such a downer recently, I keep telling myself I must try harder to be more positive and of lighter mood... but its tough. I know I haven't really said whats causing this malaise (sp?) and I dont really want to, but I will say I will be trying harder to lift myself out of this bad spell.

First of all another plug for one of my favourite websites. Basic Instructions. I know I've plugged it before but I can't urge you enough to check it out when you have a spare 10 minutes and look at the archives of all the strips this guys done. They are hilarious.

Also, my latest book is "Dawn Of The Dumb" by a guy called Charlie Brooker. He's a columnist for the Guardian newspaper, who writes both the TV review and a kind of free-form comments column. He's basically me, but more famous. His views on things such as the general public ("I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with the haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful"), Big Brother ("...people shaped ameobas existing on raw narcisissm...") and TV Psychics ("...As a 'paranormal investigation' Most Haunted is about as scientifically rigorous as an episode of Bod...") match mine to closely its scary, and the way he writes in this book basically slagging off all these things and more has me in stiches. I was laughing out loud yesterday at my desk when I should have been coding, and I was getting some very strange looks.

Anyhoo, I'd better crack on this morning. I will try and be more positive, promise, so have a good Tuesday little people.

Monday, 10 December 2007

No updates

Apologies for not updating as regularly recently, but there's not much been going on, and to be honest I haven't really been in the mood either. Im feeling pretty f*cked off, angry, fed up, depressed and have been for the past few days. (Nothing to do with the dog, I hasten to add).

Anyway - I went and bought a couple of new books today. Thats one of my simple little pleasures, I love book shopping and get excited when I get a new book. The danger is, although I am at work, I want to just grab a drink, a comfortable chair, and lose myself in it.
I dont think I would get away with that while sitting here at my desk though.

No football this weekend. Jake had a break from training on Saturday and his match was cancelled due to bad weather on Sunday. Im hoping that when he gets back to it next week he has a higher level of motivation, and he can have a good last couple of weeks before the xmas break.

This week, no plans tonight, or tomorrow, Im in our Gloucester office all day Wednesday, playing football Thursday, then its Friday again. Saying it like that makes the week seem very short, but sitting here on Monday morning it seems AGES away :-(

Sorry for the fairly low key post... but its where my heads at (as the hippies used to say). Peace.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Regression

Balls. The dog's started waking up too early again. We had a good week (see previous post) but now he's gone back to waking at 03.00 for a wee (but he's settling himself) then again at 5 ish...
Im getting frustrated now, because I thought we had this cracked, and now to go back to how he was, I dont know what to try next. Alcohol? Drugs? I might give the dog some too...
He's now allowed out for walks though, which is good, although the current weather means when we try and take him out he looks at us like "You're bloody joking aren't you?"

No plans for this week really, and not much else going on. Im feeling a bit bogged down because Im working on two projects at once and they are both due soon, and no-one can tell me which one is the priority. And because Im more tired than normal at the moment, Im finding it hard to get my motivation going. I need a good rest I think - a couple of days of me time.

Have a good Wednesday all.

Friday, 30 November 2007

By gum I think he's got it...

Every night this week has been good. The dog has been going to bed between 22:30 and 23:00, then not waking up until gone 06:00. Very very happy with that!
And, on three of those nights, he's been dry, so his bladder control is getting better. It seems silly worrying about the lack of sleep so much now - but this was what happened with Jake when he was a baby. During the time when he wasn't sleeping I felt like crap, but when he started going through the night I thought "What was the fuss about?"
The dog is also due for his first 'walkies' this weekend - he's had his jabs so now he can start going out, which means training him on the lead (which I know he's gonna hate!)

What else is happening in Molloy world? Not much - football Saturday with Jake, then he has a match on Sunday. I will be spending my normal Saturday afternoon sat in front of the TV watching City's score come in. I will also be drinking wine this weekend (I fancy a nice expensive bottle of red).

Soundtrack of the day "The Singles" by Inspiral Carpets.

Oh, and I should be receiving some more of my eBay stuff today - I've already received some golf gloves and a new golf cap, and Im waiting for balls, (of the golf kind!) a new winter hat and TWO golf bags. Yes two. See, I put a bid in on one I wanted, and then I saw a similar one for a buy now price, but slightly cheaper. Sod it, I thought, and bought it anyway hoping that someone would out bid me on the other one. And did they? no. turds.
So, I have two similar bags on the way to me. Luckily however, one of my friends is after a new bag and likes the look of the one I might be getting rid of, so he might buy it off me. If not, then back on eBay it goes!

Have a nice weekend people. Peace.

Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Breakthrough...?

A very good night for the dog last night, but Im hesitant to put it down to progress. He had his last jabs at the vet yesterday and they may have contributed to making him more tired than usual.
Basically, he went to bed at about 22.30, while we were still up. We went to bed at about 23.15 and then we heard nothing all night! My body clock woke me up at about 5.05, expecting to hear him, but not a peep. I couldn't go back to sleep, so at 6.20 I went downstairs thinking "I hope he's ok" and there he was, awake at the kitchen door to greet me, right as rain, and without having been to the loo all night! If this is the start of things to come, then fantastic, but I'll reserve judgement until tomorrow.
And also a Happy Birthday to my son. He's 9 today. As you can imagine, he's unbelievably excited and looking forward to presents and visits from my parents tonight.
Have a good Tuesday everyone...

Monday, 26 November 2007

Broken tooth

Just broke a bloody tooth. I don't have the best of teeth anyway (years of neglect and Dentist phobia) so they are basically rotting out of my head - but this one is really annoying, its broken and revealed the filling within so its really sharp and uncomfortable in my gob. ("So go get it sorted at the dentist" I hear you cry - there is NO chance of that happening).
A fairly ok weekend - the dog is getting better at nights. He's waking now between 4.45 and 5.30 AM needing the loo, and once I've let him out he's usually setting OK until gone 6.00 which is fine as I have to get up that time for work anyway. Hopefully, each day he gets older, he will get later and later. And, my body has adjusted now (like it did when Jake was a baby) so I dont feel as bad as I did the first few days.
Jake's team won 7 - 2, City won 2 - 1, so a good sporting weekend too.
This week, no plans really (well, apart from number one son's birthday tomorrow!) except playing football again on Thursday.
Soundtrack of the day: "Stadium Arcadium" by Red Hot Chilli Peppers (double album).

Saturday, 24 November 2007

Official Congratulations

Prompted by the anonymous comment to my previous post, Im guessing now the news is official...
My best man and his partner are expecting a baby! Join me in wishing them very many congratulations.
I've known the news for some time, but I did not want to put it up on my blog until all the right people had been informed in person (for obvious reasons) and now I think all the people who should be told have been. It's due in Spring next year, and I know they are both going to make fantastic parents. I will also enjoy hearing all the grief about lack of sleep, nappies, feeding, and how everything else in life takes a back seat to this little bundle that for the first three months just seems to cry, laugh, burp, fart, pee, shit and vomit - sometimes all at the same time! See the exploding baby!
Anyway, on a serious note, I am very pleased for them both, and send them both my, and my family's, love. Peace.

Friday, 23 November 2007

No post today

Too tired and nothing going on.

Have a nice weekend.

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

35 little known facts

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

12. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.

13. All 50 States are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only State whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. The characters “Bert” and “Ernie” on Sesame Street were named after “Bert the cop” and “Ernie the taxi driver” in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

23. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

24. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula.”

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Is it progress?

After a conversation with the breeder we got the dog from, we have a new tactic to try and get him settled at night. For the past couple of nights he's been waking at about 4.20 - 4.30 AM and not being able to settle. We were told that it might be because he needs the loo, even though there are papers down for him to go on. Now, I may have started to make a rod for my own back here, but when he starts getting aggitated at that time, Im going to be going downstairs to let him out. So far (last night, and the night before) its worked up to a point. I've let him out, he's gone to the toilet, and then he's come back in and settled straight away - but then he's waking up again about 5.15 - 5.30. The night before last, I let him out again, he actually did need to go so he did, then he settled back down til gone 6.00. Last night, tried the same (letting him out for a second time) but he didn't need to go, he was just f*cking about, which wound me up, which meant when he couldn't settle by about 5.40 I was up again and sitting with him in the lounge. *sigh*
I dont know if this tactic is going to work, but my thinking is as he gets older the times he wakes needing the loo will move from 4.30 to 5.30 to 6.30 - which is the time Im up normally for work anyway. Here's hoping.
Apart from that, not much going on really. I should be receiving a new golf bag today that I ordered, but I'm a bit skint at the moment, so I have a bad case of buyers remorse. Oh, and Im going to be selling my Nintendo Wii on eBay. They are really hard to get hold of at the moment, so they are going for good money and we dont really use ours, so I could use the cash.
Have a good Wednesday listeners.

Friday, 16 November 2007

Sleep deprivation

I can see now why sleep deprivation is used as a torture. I mean, ok, its hardly torture levels Im at right now, but I am so tired, and everything else becomes harder when you're missing sleep.
Concentration levels at work drop, appetite goes, little things that weren't a bother before become a major hassle. I dont remember feeling this rough when Jake was a baby... but then I suppose I am 8 years older now, so my body can't handle it as well. My only crum of comfort is that each day that goes by brings us closer to the end, when the dog can sleep through the night with no problems.
No plans for this weekend really... football with Jake Saturday morning, then just trying to catch up on stuff round the house. Sunday Jake has a match, but I'll be staying in with the dog (he can't go out yet) so I wont be able to watch.
Soundtrack of the day: "Roots Rock Riot" by Skindred. Heavy rock / reggae mix.. very very good.
Finally, I've become re-hooked on eBay. A friend of mine has been getting some good, cheap golf gear, and he's convinced me there is some good stuff out there if I look hard enough. I just bought 24 'Pearl / Grade A' (which means they've probably only been hit once) Titleist NXT's for a tenner. Seeing as 24 of these brand new normally cost about £40 I've got a good deal.
Have a good weekend listeners, I'll try and post more over the weekend (if I can keep my eyes open enough!)

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Promised pictures of our new 'mutt'




Ain't he sweet? Now if only he'd sleep at nights...!

I need sleep...

OK, I know its only been three nights he's stayed with us, but good God Im knackered. The newest member of the Molloy clan just can't settle at night. Last night I had about 3 and a half hours unbroken sleep, but the rest was up and down about 3 or 4 times. I keep telling myself this wont go on forever, and he will calm down and get used to sleeping at night, but my body also keeps telling me its too old for this shit!
So far, he has been sleeping in a cage, similar to that which he slept in when he was with the breeder. But tonight we are going to try him out of his cage, with the run of the kitchen. That way, as his bladder control isn't brilliant at the moment, if he needs to go to the loo, he can just get up and pee on these special pads you can get for puppies, rather than pee in his bed - Im thinkin that may be part of the problem, he needs the loo so he cries, then can't hold it, then because his bed is damp he can't settle again. We'll see how that pans out tonight. (I've got visions just now of coming down to a wrecked and pee'd on kitchen tomorrow morning!)
I'll update tomorrow with how we go - and I know its a long shot, but if anyone out there has any tips on getting puppies settled in their new homes, please feel free to write in to the usual address!
Soundtrack of the day: "Grinderman" by Grinderman.

Monday, 12 November 2007

Welcome to the family

We have a new member of the Molloy clan. A three month old whippet puppy called Shadow (named by our son). His pedigree name is Rising Shadow.
I will post a picture of him when I can get him to sit still long enough!
We collected him on Saturday afternoon, and my God a more lively bundle of energy you haven't seen! For those of you that dont know, having a puppy in the house is almost like having a baby. You need to worry about where he goes to toilet, when, what he can and can't play with, and getting him to sleep at night. Saturday night and last night has been a struggle. Saturday night I was the one who kept getting up to calm him down (22.45, 23.30, 00.15) and then every couple of hours you'd hear him crying and that would wake me up. So I had a grand total of about 3 hours sleep. Last night was slightly better... but I think part of it was I was so knackered that I slept through more of it - I only woke up three times to hear him whining.
So the next few days are gonna be tough, but I know once he's settled he'll be an excellent new member of our family. Emma will be working from home all week, and that's part of the reason we got him, for companionship for her while Im at work and Jake's at school. But I feel a bit bad for her today handling him on her own for the first time!
Anyway, that was the big news from the weekend... (Jake's team lost 2 - 0, poor lad, and City drew 0 - 0 away from home, a good result).
Have a good Monday all.

Thursday, 8 November 2007

Crutches and teryaki sirloin

See, amazing powers of recovery. Im more or less walking normally now. I can still feel the pain when I move my foot in the wrong direction... and it still feels quite weak... but Im not hobbling around like an invalid anymore.
I know this is a bit sad, but I was really excited about my dinner last night. I tried something new. I bought myself a sirloin steak, and before cooking it, I marinated it in teryaki source for about four hours. Then, got the griddle nice and hot before cooking it for about 4 - 5 minutes each side (sizzle sizzle!). Then, let it stand for about 5 minutes before eating... My God. It was SO nice.
Perfectly cooked, with a nice pink colour right in the middle. And because of the marinade it had such a sweet taste. Highly recommend it!
Next I want to try something new with fish... scallops, or some nice meaty fillet like bass.
Slightly girlie confession, but I really enjoy cooking...the problem is, the current Mrs. Molloy is a vegetarian, and number one son won't really try anything too exotic, so anything unusual I cook will only really be for one. The other alternative is to host a dinner part for a couple of friends who aren't veggies, then I can really go to town. Maybe I'll plan something soon... I know one particular friend won't need a second invite... he likes his food, especially FREE food!
Ho hum... have a good Thursday listeners.
Soundtrack of the day: "Enema Of The State" by Blink-182 (my mp3 player is set to random today...)

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Spouting off on decisions

This is the post I started to write in the previous one...
So its halfway through the week and so far I've been up to hospital and Im walking on crutches... does anyone else ever think how their lives change due to one simple little event? I mean, if I hadn't kicked that football the way I did, so I had to chase that little boy to get it back, I wouldn't have run into that hole in the ground and turned my ankle over, which means it wouldn't have been weakened enough for me to turn it over again on the Sunday. I know, a lot of things in life are decided by seemingly meaningless decisions, but it makes you think, doesn't it? Well it does me. I wonder how my life would have been different? I mean, I would have come to work on Monday instead of going to hospital... I could have had a car accident. I could have saved someones life. Sometimes I think there's too much to think about, too much going on in the universe, and not enough time to think about it. You can see why people go away and become hermits, or go live on an island somewhere just to meditate and think about life.
Another example of this is when I have actually had a car accident. If I had left home even 30 seconds later, or earlier, I wouldn't have made that gap in the traffic, to get to that point in the queue, to hit that car. Which brings up the subject of premeditation and fate and all sorts... too much to go into in one post. Anyway, deep thought for the day. Have a good Wednesday people.

Amazing powers of recovery

I still need the crutches... (well... maybe not need... maybe they're like a comfort thing..) but my ankle is already feeling a lot better. Considering how swollen it was, and now painful it was, only two days ago Im amazed that I can more or less walk normally on it. This bodes well... there is no football for me this Thursday (we couldn't get a pitch) but hopefully next week I will be fit enough to play - which means I haven't missed any games due to the injury.
I remember this from the last time I had this injury - the first couple of days, swollen like a balloon and tender and sore etc. but then by the end of the week, walking normally just feeling the odd twinge when I move the ankle against the ligaments. Im sure most people would be like this, but I like to think my body has some sort of amazing power of recovery - I mean, its not good for anything else, so it must have some sort of secret talent!
I was going to go off on one about decisions, and how one little thing can change your life, but I've posted that in another post, because it really did go off no a tangent.
Anyway, soundtrack of the day: "In Rainbows" by Radiohead (the album they released on download, which you could choose how much to pay for).

Monday, 5 November 2007

Back on crutches again

So, back from the hospital. Its not broken (thank God) but the ligaments are badly damaged and I'm gonna be hobbling around for a while. The nurse who first examined me wouldnt stop poking and proding my ankle... "I have to check where it hurts, to see if its the bone or the ligaments" she said, but Geez she really went to town on me. Then had an x-ray, and was told "no, its not broken, so get walking on it as soon as you can, get the exercises going" etc. basically stop bein such a girlie poof.
Thing is, EVERYTHING is a pain in the arse when you're hopping everywhere - from getting a drink - (try holding a glass of something and hopping... its not easy!) to goin to the loo (standing on one leg to shake the doo-wop-da-lilly is a fun game to play - as long as you dont mind your toilet being sprayed).
Anyway - write in with suggestions as to what a man with one working leg can do to stave off boredom...
Peace.
Update: Did you know, you can subscribe to this blog as an RSS feed? If you need a feed reader visit www.feedreader.com and download it. Its only a small app. Then, add a new feed, type in this blog address, and you'll be asked to choose either RSS or Atom feed. Choose RSS and job done!

Sunday, 4 November 2007

Well dont I feel a pratt

I think I could have broken my ankle... well at the very least its a bad sprain and I've knackered the ligaments. Thing is, I did it in such a stupid way.
On Saturday, I was at training with Jake as usual. I kicked one of the balls and it went near one of the younger age groups that train at the same place, and he started running off with the ball. So I gave chase (you know, "come back here, Im gonna get ya!" I mean he was only about 6!) and as I was running across part of the park my left foot went down a little hole on the field and I went over on my ankle. Badly. I've done it before, and it started to swell, so the rest of the day I was limping around. Anyway, by this morning (Sunday) it had eased off quite a lot (but still a bit tender) so we went to watch Jake's match. The game kicked off, and after about two minutes the ball gets cleared off the pitch, in the air, toward me. So I jump up, controlled the ball in the air with my right foot, and landed on my left foot.... wallop. It turned over again, exactly the same way as Saturday. I was shouting and screaming like a stuck pig, rolling around on the floor. I was in agony. So now, Im lookin at my foot (which is up on the sofa) and its swelled to the size of a balloon. I was going to go to the hospital this afternoon but I will wait until tomorrow to see if the swelling goes down at all. I've had this sort of injury before, but I dont think its been this bad, hence the theory that it might be more than ligament damage. Anyway, suffice to say Im in a lot of pain at the moment, and anything I need to do I need to do hopping. Oh, but Jake's team won, (2 - 0) and Jake scored. Luckily I had a brief lucid period between pain attacks and saw his goal!

More updates tomorrow listeners.

Thursday, 1 November 2007

Pinch, Punch, first of the month...

Does anyone do that any more? I did it to someone in Sainsburys this morning, and now Im writing this from my mobile while sitting in Uxbridge nick...
Im joking of course. Happy 1st of November. Its my best mate's partner's birthday today, so Happy Birthday Kerri.
We had one group of trick or treaters last night (just one! Now its up to me my family to eat all the rest of the sweets!) so at least the bag of sweeties I bought wasn't a complete waste.
City won (yay) a scrappy 1 - 0 win away from home, so they're through to the last 8 of the Carling Cup.
Im working on two projects at once at the moment, so work wise its been kinda cool.. I've been working solidly through each day, so before I know it, its lunchtime, and then a little bit later, time to go home, so the week's gone really quick. No plans for this weekend really, apart from football with Jake.
So thats about it for this update... Soundtrack of the day: "Ex:El" by 808 State

Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Happy Halloween

Yes, its the last day of October, so its Halloween. Its not a holiday I normally get too bothered about to be honest. When I was younger I went to a few organised parties (you know the sort - bobbing for apples, too much sugar and sweets, and being hyperactive for about a week afterwards) but now Im older... well, old... I dont really do anything. I dont agree with trick or treating, so Jake isn't too fond of me at the moment because I wont let him go, but unfortunately I can't stop other kids knocking at my bloody door begging for sweets. I've just been out and bought a selection of different things so if they do come knocking at least I'll have something to give them. Last year I did the same, and guess what... no one came knocking. Bastards.
Im more interested in City playing tonight - they're away to Bolton in the Carling Cup (or whatever its called now) and after the 6 - 0 drubbing on Saturday Im hoping they can prove it was just a blip.
Anyway spooks and ghouls, have a good day, and if you're partying at all tonight, have fun. Just stay the f*ck away from my door! Peace.

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Darwin Awards

Enjoy!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious
winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transportingfrom Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home ssewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Monday, 29 October 2007

Another slog...

The start of another working week. And with nothing to look forward to, its just a succession of get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Am I wrong to want to have something each week to really look forward to? I know a lot of people would say "you're lucky, you have a family to come home to, a nice home" etc. etc. and dont get me wrong, I do feel lucky to have all that - but isn't life that little bit better when you have a real highlight each week, something to work towards? Im not being selfish, I know I have more in my life than a lot of people, but I think it's nice to have something each week that makes you think "Yeah, lookin' forward to that".
For example, this week, I have the following on:
Today work, tonight taking Jake to his weekly Watford football training.
Tomorrow work, tomorrow night nowt.
Wednesday work, Wednesday night nada.
Thursday work, Thursday night football (ok, this is a good thing, but I do it so often its not really something to get over excited about)
Friday work, Friday night nuffin'.
See what I mean?
I dont want people reading this post and saying stuff like "then arrange something for yourself" or "you're doin more than me!" because thats not the point Im trying to make. Im just trying to say, I think the week is better when there is a real highlight in it. Thats all.
Anyway, whatever you're doing with your week, have a good Monday.
Soundtrack of the day: "Going For Gold" by Shed Seven.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Saturday lunchtime

Sitting here, its a bit miserable out, but its nice and warm in my lounge watching football drinkin cider. Jake had a good training session this morning, and I think this evening we're having dinner with my parents for my birthday, so a relaxing day and night ahead.
Jake has a match tomorrow morning, and then all I've got to worry about is making sure I have some shirts ironed for the week.
Didnt do much last night - had a couple of glasses of good wine, watched a bit of tv, and that was it. DEFINITELY getting older!
Thing is, after a little bit of alcohol, in the warm, its so tempting to snooze for a little while... as nice as that is, it would mean I wouldn't sleep later. And its the sort of thing old people do!
Anyway, short post today as there's not much going on, but thank you to all the people who wished me a happy birthday.
Have a good rest of the weekend people...

Friday, 26 October 2007

Another day... another year

Friday at last. I've had this stinking cold all week, so Im looking forward to the end of the day so I can go home and be ill properly.
And yes, another year older today. 35. F*ck me. I know it sounds daft, but I feel no different to when I was 21... alright, my hair is disappearing and changing colour, my body mass has increased slightly, I ache more, it takes longer for my body to get going in the morning, hangovers make me feel like I've died after something had crawled into my mouth, shat, then died... but inside my own little head, I really feel no different. So happy birthday to me, you old bastard.

We've had new lights put in at the office. Before, we had the normal yellowish strip lights in the ceiling - but they've been replaced by these new bright white ones. I walked in this morning, it was like walking into a hospital. I expected a load of people to be running around shouting "STAT!" and "Get The Crash Cart" and stuff. And my it makes my skin look a very nasty pasty shade, like I've been living in a basement for 5 years.

Anyway, have a good Friday, and if I dont get to post, a good weekend. If you're having a drink later, raise a glass to me and think of my poor body aging like a old piece of fruit... slowly, making it go soft and squidgy, and smelling badly. Peace.

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

Airport Scrum

Something that winds me up, but shouldn't really... in fact, it winds me up but I also find it amusing.
You're at the airport, sitting at your gate waiting to board. You have your seat allocation (if you're like me, you like sitting near the front of the plane, so say you're in row 2). The gate monkey comes onto the PA and says "Good morning, welcome to blah blah airlines. We would now like to invite people seated through rows 27 to 20 to board. Thank you". Cue mass surge toward the gate entrance. Its almost as though people think "Got to get on the plane, it'll go without me!" or "Must get a seat, I dont wanna stand for the whole flight!" I mean, people, its not a bus! You have a seat! Its NOT gonna taxi to take off without your fat pimply arse sat in your seat! And then every third person you hear "No madam, we're only boarding rows 27 to 20, not row 8 yet, please step back until we call your row". The PA announcement was clear enough for you to hear it calling you, so why didnt you hear it was NOT your row yet? I must admit, during my early years of flying, I was one of those sheep that jumped up and tried to board (although I wasn't THAT bad - I did wait for my row to be called) but now I try and be the last person on - I sit, and watch, and laugh at the mindless drones piling up round the gate and try and wait until the last second before I shift my bulk toward the gate entrance.
Just another little bit of life that is amusing, but can make me feel mild urgings to slaughter innocent people. (Just kiddin...)
Have a good Wednesday people.

Friday, 19 October 2007

Late post

A late one tonight - but Im happy, coz I've killed, destroyed, expunged, removed and otherwise dumped Windows Vista. Windows XP is running lovely. Im sitting here getting all my bookmarks up to date, and watching Grosse Point Blanke (one of my favourite films) and life is cool.
Also drinkin Magners with lots of ice.... niiiice.
More updates (maybe) over the weekend.
Peace

Friday at last

It seems like this week has dragged a bit... but we've made it to the weekend, I knew that, together, we could do it...
Its my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary this weekend, and thats about the extent of my plans. Im taking Jake to his second City game on Saturday - we're at home to Birmingham City, so hopefully it'll be three points with a convincing win. (But knowing my luck, it'll be the game that the bubble bursts at COMS!)
I played football last night, so was a bit tired this morning, and on the drive to work I was in that auto-pilot mode that Im sure you've all experienced... I was half way down the motorway before I really woke up, and that's frightening. I mean, I was driving carefully enough, and I was observant etc. but I had that scary feeling when you suddenly think "whoa... Im on my way to work here".
The journey from outside my house to where I was, was a blur. Who knows what I could have driven over, or into, or through... anyone else experience anything similar?
Anyway, what with no football for Jake tomorrow, I will get a little bit of a lie in to try and get some energy back.
Have a good weekend listeners, and if I can, I'll post via my new email method over the weekend. Via con dios.

Thursday, 18 October 2007

A good morning

So far so good today - got stuck right into some code, listening to Stone Roses "Second Coming"... makes the day fly by, before I knew it it was 10.20.

Playing football tonight, so a chance to run this flabby body around a bit. Watched two episodes of one of my favourite shows last night - "Grumpy Old Men" - yes, those who know me know I should be starring on it, not just watching it, but thats why I like it so much - I find myself nodding, agreeing, laughing along and shouting things like "Damn right!" and "Hell yeah" at the TV.

Round my mates house tomorrow night (confirmed) to kill Windows Vista. So tonight and tomorrow night are taken care of.

As Im typing this, Im jamming along to the track "Driving South" - the Stone Roses really do rock. Peace all. More drivel soon...

Wednesday, 17 October 2007

Email blogging

I can now send an email to my blog and have it published... how cool is that? It means that what with being able to access my email account on my mobile, I can blog from literally anywhere - home, out and about, on the loo... (well, maybe not). Anyway, just thought I'd share that little bit of techno news with you all. Peace.

(For those hard of thinking - yes, this post was submitted via email!)

Bloody frustrating

Im on a project on the moment that is going quite well, but Im at a point where I can't really do any more until another developer has done his bit - and this developer is the U.S, which delays things even further what with the different time zone... Its annoying because I know once I have this extra data, I will be able to get my parts finished reasonably quickly, and that means I can move onto another Java project that I've been earmarked for. *sigh*.

A while ago I tried to subscribe to the magazine "Wired". I sent off the form (online) paid the fee etc. and waiting in anticipation for my first issue. THREE MONTHS later, still no magazine. Those who know me can probably guess how I felt about that. After a long email conversation back and forth between myself and the Wired customer 'services' (ha!) team, I basically lost it and told them in no uncertain terms to stick their subscription where the monkey keeps his nut. And what turned up in the post yesterday? Yes, the latest issue of Wired. So now Im torn between keeping the subscription cancelled, or re-applying hoping that because there are a couple of issues 'in the system' for me I wont see such a big gap between them. To be honest, I'll probably re-apply and see what happens... glutton for punishment I know, but I do like the magazine, and its hard to get hold of over here. (For those who dont know, its an American magazine).

Soundtrack of the day: Old School Hip-Hop again... Beasties, Cypress Hill, Public Enemy, NWA on a random selection. Yeaahh Boyyeee....

Finally, Im hoping to kill Windows Vista on my home laptop this Friday. Im fed up of the slow responses, the 15 questions you have to say yes to to get anything done and the memory usage. I've ordered the XP discs (see earlier post) and hopefully they'll be here today so I can go to my good friend's house and get it done. Die Windows Vista, Die! Peace.

Update: Oh, two cool things last night... James May and Oz Clarke have started a new series of their 'Wine Adventures' - this time in California. First episode last night, and it was good telly.
And, I drunk three quarters of a bottle of Pino Grigio Rose... very nice indeed.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Stolen in full from someone elses blog...

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders thesubject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating; the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purposeof getting laid
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (This one got extra credit)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer
12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
13. Glibido: All talk and no action
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web
16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out
17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:
1. Coffee: the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted: appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained
3. Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk
5. Willy-nilly: impotent
6. Negligent: absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown
7. Lymph: to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle: olive-flavored mouthwash
9. Flatulence: emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steam-roller
10. Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle: a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude: the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation withYiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism: the belief that, after death, the soulflies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent: an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Monday, 15 October 2007

Its oh so quiet

Its one of those 'slog' weeks this week... nothing to look forward to, just five days of getting on with life. Plans for this week?
Monday - nowt
Tuesday - zip
Wednesday - nada
Thursday - football (woo, and indeed, hoo)
Friday - nuffin'

This weekend will hopefully be pleasant however, as its my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary. We'll be spending the weekend with them, going out to dinner on Saturday night.

Im not a real big rugby fan, but I have to say well done England for reaching the world cup final - and ha ha frenchies. The problem is, I think we're gonna get our asses handed to us by the Boks.

Also, well done Jake and his football team - a 2 - 1 win at the weekend.

Ooh, and I wanna say thank you to Dell.. I have a Dell laptop at home with shitty Windows Vista on it. I phoned Dell, asking for the Windows XP discs so I could destroy Vista, fully expecting to pay for the software... I was surprised to hear "We'll send all the necessary disks out to you free and gratis as a good will gesture". This sort of thing hardly ever happens to me, so thank you Dell. Have a good Monday listeners.
Update: A friend of mine has posted a page of inspirational posters... enjoy by clicking here

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Responses please

Someone I know had the good fortune today of finding an extra sum of money in their bank account, that wasn't put there by themselves. The bank had obviously somehow made a mistake and credited the account with too much money (I know, I know, it never happens to me either).

The question I would like responses to is:

Who would keep the money, withdraw it before the bank caught on, and spend it in an orgy of drugs, alcohol and greased up midgets (ok, maybe not all that stuff - just spend it...) and who would tell the bank of their mistake?

Answers on a post card - or a nicely designed comments form you can find by clicking the link below...

This 'n' that

I found a really good blog this morning. I have been reading another blog for a few days, and found a link on it to a blog they read. I went there, and found a really interesting one. I dont really wanna go into too much detail about it, but suffice it to say it really struck a chord with me. The point is, it got me thinking about my blog, and whether or not its too irreverant. You know, too filled with insignificant stuff about my life and not 'big' issues, or thoughts, or thought-provoking posts. I get the odd comment about things I post, which is really nice (more, more, Im a comment addict!) but I know that a lot of the things I post (not all) only mean things to those people who know me. What do you listeners think? Do you want to read more 'big' issues on here, or are you ok with what goes on?
Anyway - (to stick to what I've been doing up until now) a good day yesterday, a day off work to play golf in Gloucester with a work mate John. I shot 88, which I was pleased with (41 on the front 9) and the weather stayed just right for us. The journey there and back was a bit of a pain, but it was worth it for the golf. Tonight, playing football and then there are no plans really for Friday or the weekend apart from Jake's football.
Mind you, the England football AND rugby teams are playing important games on Saturday so that'll be something to drink beer to.
Have a good Thursday listeners.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Wet

Not much happening today apart from the weather - its shite.
I bought in a big packet of Double Stuff Oreo's today, and its very tempting to sit and eat them all, but then I'd end up a fat bastard and have to go on one of those diet shows where they make you cry by showing you all the food you eat in a day piled up on a table. I'd have to break down in tears and promise to be a good boy and not eat any more cream cakes stuffed with lard and sausages. So I wont be eating all these cookies on my desk.
Day off tomorrow (woo-hoo) playing golf in Gloucester. Hope the rain pours itself out today so its nice tomorrow.
Soundtrack of the day: "Nevermind" by Nirvana. I missed the 'grunge' thing the first time around, but I do like this album.

Finally, check this link out (you need sound) - its not rude, so safe for work.
The Rake

Peace.

Update: I've been sent a link to a site - its on the previous post about debunking the Shark Attack photo (www.snopes.com for lazy people) but they had this faked image on there, which I found really freaky.... can you imagine if it WAS real!

Monday, 8 October 2007

If this ain't real, it should be....


OH MY GOD...!

Update: This image has been kindly debunked by my U.S friend... check out the source here

@$&()! ripoff!!!

*** RANT ALERT ***
I've just phoned my mobile phone company - Orange - to get my handset replaced because it is not working properly. I've been paying around £5 a month phone insurance on this handset, and that works out to about £45 so far. So I phone up, go through the rigmaroll of "press 1 for... press 2 for..." blah blah blah and finally get to speak to someone. I go through fault diagnosis ("Whats the problem", "its not working", "OK") and then get told "Yes, you have a faulty phone" (I KNOW!) "and we'll get a replacement out to you tomorrow - how does that sound?"
"Perfect" says I... then the catch. "Oh, there is a £15 admin charge on replacement handsets".
W H A T ! ! ? ? I have to pay a third of the amount I've payed already even though I have insurance?! F*ckin con!! Of course, I made it clear to the phone jockey at the end of the line that I wasn't angry at her, but Geez, what a rip off. So I basically said stuff the insurance claim, I'll deal with the problem myself. Mobile phone companies... bunch of arse mate.

Strike!

This weekend... City won (3 - 1 at home to Middlesbrough) which was good, but Jake's team lost their first league game of the season, which was NOT good. Apart from that approximately bog all happened. However...
I did hear something on the radio this morning that did get me a little riled... can someone explain how a postal strike is supposed to get the general public on the post office workers side?? I mean, I heard something today on the radio - because there has been a strike for so long, there are loads of undelivered bills and final demands, so people dont know they have these bills and final demands and so are gonna incur further fines and more trouble. So that got me thinking, what do the people on strike hope to achieve? I personally dont feel the compulsion to support the post office workers against whatever problems the post office are inflicting on them - I'm just pissed off that Im not getting my mail through which could contain some very important things. And if something comes through late that I have to respond to, and I end up getting in the shit for it, will the post office workers come help me out? Will they bollocks. I am sorry that these post office workers aren't getting what they want / need etc. - (they're complaining about pay, pensions and job cuts) but inflicting this much inconvenience and potential financial problems on the general public can only make them seem like the bad guys.
I do know, though, that a lot of the people who have gone on strike have done so at the behest of the trade union, and they do not necessarily want to strike themselves (and I know this for a fact, because I play golf with a couple of postmen, and I know one of them gets the right 'ump when he has to strike). So maybe I should be pointing the finger more at the trade union.
You could say the same for the London Underground strikes I suppose... they go on strike because the company is doing something they dont like, the general public suffers, the trade union expects the support of the public. I dont really see how this is supposed to work. Or am I being amazingly dense and / or naive?
Oh, and I know normally I couldn't give two spits for 'the general public' - but when something affects them, and Im a member of that general public, then I do give a stuff. Anyway, please feel free to comment / correct my assumptions / call me dim. Have a good Monday all.

Friday, 5 October 2007

Jeans day

Aren't you lucky, two posts in one day.
Its "Jeans For Genes" day at work today when, for a small fee, you are allowed to wear jeans to work. The thing is, you aren't allowed to wear trainers, and you must keep your 'top half' in business attire... so basically you're just replacing your trousers for jeans, and making yourself look silly by having to wear shoes with them. If the company are allowing denim at work, why can't they let you wear what you like with them (within reason of course). It just seems daft to me... its like "OK, you can wear denim, aren't we a forward thinking, relaxed company... but you can't wear anything else that will make you feel relaxed and happy, you must look a tit in blue jeans and shiny black shoes"... please.

Which brings me onto an issue that winds me up a little, although I dont often comment on it. How do women get away with wearing what they want in a so called 'professional' environment, but men have to wear shirts, trousers, shoes? Its not so bad in the winter, as everyone wears things to keep themselves warm, but in the summer women are allowed to wear short skirts, sandles, strappy tops... I mean, some of the things some of the pugly's wear to work reveal far too much flesh, but if a man wanted to wear smart, long, tailored shorts and sandles because it was so hot, he would be hauled up in front of his manager and told in no uncertain terms to go home and get changed. I could really kick off on selective sexual equality and the like now, but maybe thats a topic for another day. Suffice it to say, I dont think its fair that SOME women can get away with looking like cheap tarts at work, when men always have to look professional. Any comments? Lets 'ave it...

McDonald Hill Valley Golf

I've been searching my previous posts to try and find if I wrote about this earlier this year, but I'll be buggered if I could find it. Basically, I've been invited back to play alongside Manchester CID's finest in a two day golf society day. We played earlier this year (I swear it was around March / April time) and I had a really good time. The guys (11 of them) made me feel really welcome, the hotel was nice, I won nearest-the-pin on the first day... so all in all, it was a top weekend. And they've invited me back again for March next year! Excellent news.

We're back into the normal swing of things at weekends now... Jake has training on Saturday, then I have Saturday afternoon to relax / do housework, he has a match on Sunday (first league game) and then before I know it, it'll be Sunday evening and I'll be getting stuff ready for work. God. I think I need a holiday.

Finally, I turn 35 this month (Im not gonna say when). 35... Gee-zus Im half way to 70. But the plus side is I only have 30 more years before I can retire!

Soundtrack of the day: "Us And Us Only" by The Charlatans.

Have a good weekend listeners.

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Wot no comments?

Im surprised nobody commented on the video I posted yesterday.. I thought it was hilarious personally!
I'll post another one at the end of this post for your perusal. Played golf yesterday ... shot a terrible score of *cough* 98 but I didn't really mind, because even though there was a constant light drizzle it was a really nice way to spend a couple of hours... out in the fresh air, good company, played some good shots... very nice.

Im actually a bit annoyed this morning - the company I work for has deemed it necessary to remove Skype from all our PC's. (For those of you who dont know, Skype is a free to download, free to use piece of software that enables instant chat, file transfer, conference chats, and FREE phone calls over the internet). I actually do use Skype as a work tool, to talk to the U.S developers I work with. I understand the companies arguments for removing it, but it kind of smacks of "We are in charge, we say what goes, and you can't have that"... it wound me up a little this morning, thats all - as most things do at 07.00AM.

Anyway, here's another vid for you to laugh at... Don't try this at home kids!




Update: I've bought myself a U3 USB stick, and I can run Skype off that - so fingers well and truely stuck up to the establishment!!

Update: I've just been sent this amusing link - for all those who think Facebook has gone too far... http://www.theinternetnowinhandybookform.com/crackbook/

Monday, 1 October 2007

What a crappy day

The weather is now starting to turn to autumn (or 'fall' for our American cousins) so its cold, wet and miserable. Not a good start to a Monday.
Not much planned for this week really... hopefully playing golf tomorrow if the weather improves, but apart from that no real plans.
This will be an attempt to get a video up on this site for your enjoyment... its not that nasty, but its not for the faint hearted either. If I had to put a certificate rating on it, I'd say it was a 12.


Saturday, 29 September 2007

I'm no longer a solo blogger

At last one of my good friends has started a blog. Its listed as a link on my "Sites I visit" but here's a link: http://www.ilikesausages.blogspot.com/
Not much been going on apart from that. Im out for dinner tonight for my anniversary, Jake has a friendly tomorrow morning, and then its back to the grind next week.
Oh, City won today - 3-1 at home against Newcastle. And to be fair, even though Im biased, we played brilliantly!

Oh, and I have a couple of moans (haven't had one for a while).

1. As mentioned above I'm off out for my anniversary dinner tonight. So I thought I would phone the restraunt and ask for a nice table as its my 10th anniversary. And the cold, miserable bitch on the end of the phone could not have given two sweaty f*cks. I asked very nicely if there was any chance I could be given a nice table as it was my 10th wedding anniversary and all I got was "A lot of people have asked for window tables - I dont know what I can do" and that was it. And you could tell she wasn't smiling on the phone or anything... I tell you, if I have a crappy table tonight, I've got the mardy cow's name and I will be asking for her.

2. Someone has done some 'fly tipping' down the alley at the back of my house. Bastards. So I phoned the council on Tuesday afternoon (when it happened) to report it... I got "We'll look into that for you sir" and that was it. The other half phoned later in the week to see what was going on (as the rubbish was still there) only to be told "one of the people who looks after this is on long term sick the other is on leave"... so the rubbish is STILL there... its blocking the whole alley, so the bin men can't get down it to collect our rubbish and it's gonna attract rats, foxes etc. Why do I pay my council tax?! If the rubbish is still there on Monday when I get back from work, guess who's gonna get a phone call...

Anyway, well done Mr. GP for for finally setting up that blog, I will be an avid reader, and have a good rest of the weekend listeners.

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Anniversary - a dedication

Its been ten years today since I was lucky enough to marry Emma. Ten years... Geez, where's the time gone? The scary thing is, I can still remember the day I met her... the first thing I said to her... the first place we went out on a date... the first time we were 'intimate' together (steady...!)... Where we were when I proposed... even after ten years together, she can still surprise me, she still makes me laugh, she's still the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning, the person who's opinion I value above all others, the person with whom I have to share any new experience I have before its really complete. Happy anniversary sweetheart.

Soundtrack of the day: A Robert Johnson "King of the delta blues" compilation.

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Paarp!

I have a touch of Bangaloor belly this morning - the curry was really nice, had a great evening with my mates, but my colon is complaining today. Not pleasant. Still, these are the prices we pay for eating things like that.

I have to wish my lovely wife a Happy Birthday today. Many Happy Returns x.

Soundtrack of the day: "The World Is Yours" by Ian Brown (return of King Monkey - its a great album).

Im trying not to rush through the work I have today... but I do work very quickly, and already Im coming close to a point in this new java project where I'll have to wait for someone else to get their work done. It looks like I might be getting to a point where Im sat here kicking my heels again... however, the guys Im coding with on this project are down today, so I think I'll be helping them out. Peace.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Curry Night

One of my friends and I are taking another friend out for a curry tonight, as it was his birthday on Saturday. Just the three of us, a boys curry night... I can't wait.
It's also the current Mrs Molloy's birthday tomorrow, and our 10th anniversary on Thursday. So its gonna be an expensive month for me this month!
Im actually enjoying work again at the moment... I have a Java project to work on, so Im busy all day which is nice ("So how can you write this blog!" I hear you ask... well Im allowed a couple of minutes break aren't I?!)
Soundtrack of the day: "Automatic For The People" by R.E.M.
Speaking of music, there are a few new albums due out that Im after... Foo Fighters, R.E.M have a new one out soon (I think), Ian Brown's new one, Devendra Banhart, PJ Harvey... ouch, expensive!
Oh God, as Im typing this the song Everybody Hurts has just started.. this ALWAYS brings a tear to my eye.. I'll have to hide my face from the people in the office for a minute.
That song really touches a nerve with me for some reason.
Anyway, have a good Tuesday listeners.

Monday, 24 September 2007

A New World

I've seen a new world... a world of comfort, leg room, good service, a choice of menu, free drinks and flat out sleeping... I've seen the world of long haul business class.
Yes, I splurged on the way back from Chicago and upgraded myself to Business Class. And by Odin's trident, what a difference.
I had an assigned seat in economy class for somewhere in the middle of a row on the way back and asked to change, but because the flight was so full they couldn't really do anything, so I thought "Sod it" and took the hit on the plastic. But it was SO worth it. All the things listed above made such a difference on a 7 hour flight. But anyway, Im back now and back to reality. Shockin' weather this morning, knackered air conditioning in the office etc. But I did get to drink a proper cup of tea first thing in the morning (which you can't get in the U.S).
All in all, the trip out in the U.S was very productive, enjoyable, and worthwhile. I had a great time with my friend Scott out there, and I've come back to the U.K with some decent work to be getting on with. I found it easy to get over the jet lag thing because I arrived home at 07.00 on Saturday and stayed up all day until around 21.30 (about 33 hours with the time difference) so although I was K N A C K E R E D it was worth it.
Anyway, I should be back to more regular updates this week, so tune in again soon listeners...

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Hello from Chicago

So Im here in the good ol' US of A. I dont really wanna give a blow-by-blow account of what has happened so far, as you'll all get bored (who said, "So whats new!" ????)
The flight over on Sunday morning was OK. Got lucky with seat allocation so was on the aisle by the emergency exit so LOADS of leg room.
Had a really nice afternoon playing golf with my friend Scott, and had a lovely evening and dinner at his house that night (thanks to both Scott and his wife Kathy for making me feel welcome and the delicious steaks and wonderful home made brownie cake!)
Yesterday was the first day in the office, meeting the rest of the project team, getting work assignments etc. Last night we went to a restaurant called the Yard House and had a nice dinner.
It seems weird, its only Tuesday, but it feels like we've been here a lot longer. I think now we're actually into coding the week will start to go quicker.
Im playing nine holes this afternoon after work, so that should be good too.
Anyway listeners, have a good rest of Tuesday, I'll try and update more tomorrow.

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Check this out!



I thought this was doctored, but I dont think it is...

Deja Vu

We all know what deja vu is. Personally, it creeps me out a bit, so when I experience it, I tend to try and do something that breaks the cycle. (Saying something random, moving in an unexpected way etc.). Normally, when I experience it, it lasts between 10 and 30 seconds and it only really happens once or twice every couple of weeks. Yesterday, however, I had a very strange day... from about mid afternoon until bed time I experienced it in tiny, short bursts every half hour or so. When I say short bursts, I literally mean for about a second I had that horrid deja vu feeling. I would be sitting there, watching TV (while I was at home, not work, obviously) and 'bang' a split second of deja vu then 'bang' its gone. It was such a weird feeling. A lot of experts think deja vu is linked to certain chemicals in the brain, and if thats the case I have no idea what the chemicals in my brain were doing yesterday. As an aside, I dont know why but I usually associate deja vu with something bad happening... isn't that weird?
Anyway, another boring day lined up today. No work to do, so I will be clock watching all day itching to get home. Have a good Wednesday all...

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

20 Interesting facts nicked from someone elses website

1. A zebra is white with black stripes.

2. All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

3. Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.

4. Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.

5. The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.

6. The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent".

7. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

8. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

9. India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta.

10. The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

11. A hippopotamus can run faster than a man.

12. India never invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.

13. 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

14. Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.

15. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

16. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.

17. In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatau put so much dust into the earth's atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.

18. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

19. Twenty-Four-Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the hands.

20. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire

Commuting

I couldn't do the drive I did yesterday everyday. I'd go insane. I had to go to Gloucester and back yesterday, I was helping out a couple of fellow developers who will be working on a Java project with me over the coming weeks. The journey went OK, but I dont know how people can commute for that long every day. Two hours there, an hour and a half on the way back.
Im so used to just travelling for like ten or fifteen minutes each way anything else seems excessive.
This from the man who used to travel by public transport to the Docklands a few years ago, when it used to take up to two hours each way.
Plans this week - nothing tonight, the other half is away tomorrow night so I'll be babysitting and watching the England game, football on Thursday night and nothing on Friday. (I was supposed to be playing golf tonight and Friday night, but my playing partner twisted his ankle at the weekend so can't play). Oh and working from home on Thursday.
Packing on Saturday then Sunday morning, 08.00AM, on a plane to Chicago...
I should be able to keep the blog up to date from there, so I'll let you know how it goes.
Have a nice Tuesday all - Soundtrack of the day: "Appetite For Destruction" by G 'n' R...

Thursday, 6 September 2007

Life could be about to get more interesting...

...but thats not necessarily a good thing.

http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30200-1283041,00.html

Bored...

...bored bored bored bored. My job sucks at the moment. I have f*ck all to do. Some of you might say "well go and find some work" but unfortunately its not that easy. Projects have to be signed off, approved etc. so I can't just spot a problem and create something to fix it. Its very frustrating. The only thing I have to do at the moment is go through our catalogue of databases and see which are still being used! I mean come on, its the sort of thing I'd give to a brain dead temp. not something a developer should be doing. Today I envisage sitting at my desk (re)reading "The Time Waster Diaries" (quite amusing) and watching the clock tick by. I've had one email from someone in Belgium asking me to write some code on a button to send out in an email, but that will only take me about an hour so Im saving it up for later.
Some good news in the post yesterday, Jake got back into Watford for this season - really pleased for him. (The journey blows, but of course you do anything for your offspring).
Played golf yesterday, and on the 11th I really lost my temper. Im not normally like that.. (ok, well, Im not normally as bad as I was yesterday) but for some reason, I hit a bad drive and completely lost it. I have no idea why. Effin' and jeffin' all over the place. It was almost like an out of body experience, watching myself blow up the way I did. The drive wasn't even that bad... very strange. Can't explain it. I mean, I went nuclear.
Anyway, playing football tonight, golf again on Friday (worried about getting finished in time. We're playing with a bloke who ain't that good, and Im worried that we wont get round before it gets too dark to see!) and then its back to the routine of football training for Jake each weekend. Im also playing a match on Sunday afternoon (11-a-side) so Im looking forward to that. Have a good Thursday listeners.
Update: Nicked this link from Phil's blog... its quite a cool site! ViewDo

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

What a great story....

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007410099,00.html

I dont normally read The Sun, but this story made me laugh. And the name of the person in charge of the disciplinary hearing... could it be more appropriate?!

I guess the names that policemen get called by a lot of people ring true, especially in regard to this particular officer.

I could make all sorts of jokes about truncheons and 'abusive' policemen, but I don't want to give too much away - read the story it'll all become clear.

Soundtrack of the day: "Under The Blacklight" by Rilo Kiley

Update: I bought the latest 'Q' magazine today, and they list the top 10 most perfect songs ever written, as polled by a load of renowned singer / song writers. I have listened them here for your consideration:

1. "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen (the Jeff Buckley version)
2. "Strawberry Fields Forever" by The Beatles
3. "Life On Mars?" by David Bowie
4. "Sympathy For The Devil" by The Rolling Stones
5. "Strange Fruit" by Billie Holiday
6. "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve
7. "Born To Run" by Bruce Springsteen
8. "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys
9. "Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan
10. "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed

Monday, 3 September 2007

Insanity In The Workplace

You have to try at least ONE of these things this week - the more the better:

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice).

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

4. Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chi-Chi."

5. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

6. "Hi-light" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

7. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

8. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

10. Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him if he wants want fries with that.

12. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

13. Suggest that beer be put in the water/soda machine.

14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

15. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

16. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

17. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

18. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc. in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

21. Put decaf in the coffee-maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

22. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17-inch paper, 99 copies.

23. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours".

24. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

25. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

26. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

27. Practice making fax and modem noises.

28. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

29. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

30. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

31. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

32. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

33. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

34. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

37. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

38. type only in lowercase.

39. Don't use any punctuation either

40. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route the whole M4 through the NEC car park.

41. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

42. As much as possible skip rather than walk.

43. Wear bright shirt and tie combo's and hang around colleagues desks.

44. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

45. Show your testicles at office social occasions.

46. Ask people what gender they are.

47. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

48. Sit in your the car park at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

49. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"

50. Stand on the inside of a toilet cubical. Knock on the inside until someone asks if you are alright. At this point say in an irrate manner, "yes I'm fine, can I come in now".

September already??

Where's the year gone! Can you believe its September already? Kids are going back to school, and once Halloween is out of the way, you just know Christmas decorations are gonna start going up.
Not a bad weekend this weekend - not much happened on Saturday...Oh, apart from beating Scott at online golf! Rule Britannia! Unfortunantely, he only had time for one game, so its now 3 -2 in the series.
Sunday Jake had his first training session of the new season. He did OK. I think all the boys are gonna find it harder this year, coz you know that there will be some freakish kids out there that are gonna turn 9 but are already 5'8" tall and 10 stone!
This week, the only plans I have are Golf on Wednesday, football on Thursday, and possibly golf on Friday. Breakfast of the day: Sultana & Apple Oatibix. Yum.
Unfortunately, on the work front, its very quiet again. I could quite easily sit here at my desk all day and not do anything, as I dont really have stuff to do. How bad is that?
Anyway, have a good Monday listeners...
Oh and GP - if you're reading this - where's your blog??? Come on, you know you want to.

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

Painless

A surprisingly painless journey to and from Birmingham yesterday. Trains were on time, they weren't filled with annoying things like other people, and it was all more or less hassle free.
It is a shame that they are not more reliable, because I still maintain that travelling by train is a very pleasant way to get to where you want to go. But you can't beat the complete freedom you get with your own car.
Speaking of which, I have a 3 - 3.5 hour drive to look forward to tomorrow after work, up to Manchester. Its not too bad, just a bit boring when you're on your own, so I'll be looking to buy a decent audio book today to ease the journey.
Oh, and a big CONGRATULATIONS to my friend Phil and his girlfriend - they got engaged at the weekend. Well done to you both.
Soundtrack of the day: "Wincing The Night Away" by The Shins.

Monday, 27 August 2007

Bank Holiday

Public holiday in the UK today, Bank Holiday Monday. I spent it mowing the lawn (the grass was a state - very long and thick so it wasn't a quick job) popping down the golf range, and generally relaxing.
I haven't updated you listeners on my bank charge case recently. Well, it has been tranferred to my local county court, and I am about to return the allocation questionaire to the court on Wednesday. (This is costing me £100.00, but I can claim it back). Once this has been submitted, I should eventually receive my court date, at which point (so far) the bank have been settling. I am quite prepared to go to court if need be, so we'll see what happens next.
Im in Birmingham all day tomorrow (another train journey... hhmmm!) then in the office Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday night I drive up to Didsbury in Manchester to play golf on Friday. An eventful week.
Have a nice evening all....
Update: I forgot to mention, I played two rounds of online golf on Saturday with my friend Scott, and Im ashamed to admit I got well and truely spanked! He's now 3 - 1 up in the series...

Saturday, 25 August 2007

Its the weekend

Sorry, no post yesterday. Played golf, (not too bad, but not as good as I want to be, annoyingly!) and after playing golf on Wednesday, football on Thursday and golf yesterday my body is really suffering... back ache, stomach ache, calf ache, thigh ache... God Im getting old.
I have a whole day to myself today, so Im gonna be tidying and cleaning this morning, playing online golf with a friend in the U.S at lunchtime, watching football this afternoon.
Blogger has added a new video upload facility... now there's a thing. Imagine the sorts of things that could be posted up? If I can think of anything interesting, maybe I'll post something up.
Busy week for me next week. Bank holiday on Monday, then Im in Birmingham on Tuesday, in the office Wednesday and Thursday then playing golf up in Didsbury on Friday (which Im really looking forward to).
Have a good weekend all.

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Buyers Remorse

Just spent £***.** on a new set of irons.... buyers remorse kicking in BIG time....
Gonna be worth it though, will last me a while, they are good quality, a good name (Mizuno) and they were reduced by 59% - a special offer. I know, I know, who am I trying to convince?!

Someone should take my credit cards away.

Still, its Friday tomorrow, then a long weekend (bank holiday Monday). Im off up to Birmingham next Tuesday for the day, and Im playing golf on next Friday in Didsbury (Manchester) with one of my wife's cousins.. (he's actually a good friend of mine now too).

Nothing else much happening in Simon world right now... have a good rest of the day and good Friday people. Via Con Dios....

The Beers Prayer

A seperate post for this one - all those struggling alchoholics repeat after me:

Our Lager,
Which Art In Barrels,
Hallowed Be Thy Drink.

Thy Will Be Drunk,
(I Will Be Drunk),
At Home As In The Tavern.

Give Us This Day Our Foamy Head,
And Forgive Us Our Spillages,
As We Forgive Those Who Spill
Against Us.

And Lead Us Not Into Incarceration,
But Deliver Us From Hangovers.

For Thine Is The Beer,
The Bitter And The Lager,
For Ever And Ever,
Barmen.

Trawling the net...

I've been looking at various sites this morning (yes, Im bored) and I've decided to post any bits I find interesting on this post - so expect a few updates as the day goes on:

Head Size Hail Stones!

What A Sonic Boom Looks Like

Cool Geek Site (Yes Im One Too, A Bit)

More soon....

Modern Day Pirates! Cool!

Hell Hath No Fury...

Space Balloons

Ouch!

Wish I hadn't started this now, Im find so much cool stuff...

Russian Wedding Pics

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Super Disco Breakin'

Good morning.
I can see some very crappy weather outside my window today - and Im supposed to be playing golf. Bastard.
I dont know if anyone saw this news article Arrests Over M40 Biker Death but I found it quite disturbing - can you imagine driving alone and seeing this happen? You'd be forgiven for thinking you'd wandered into some sort of road movie. And how will this escalate? Will we see biker gangs fighting all out wars along our roads? Scary...
Dont get me wrong, sometimes it would be very tempting to let loose the heat seeking missiles from under my bonnet to clear some mentalist toss pot out of my way, but can you imagine seeing someone just drive next to a biker and 'pop' with a gun... Jeez.

Oh, and just another quick thank you for those who have commented on both the 'euphamism' post and the post about the 'causing pain' question. I know its a hassle writing comments out, but I do appreciate it.

Soundtrack of the day: Old Skool Rap - Beastie Boys, Cypress Hill, N.W.A and Public Enemy (Yeeeaahhh Boyyeeeee!)

Finally, a joke (told to me today by the guy I hunt pigeons with... one shot one kill today!)

A woman goes into the doctors. She says, "I have really bad wind - I mean REALLY bad. But the good thing is they are silent, and odourless. I must have passed wind about 10 times just talking to you now. What can you do to help me?".
The doctor says "Well, take these pills, and come back to see me in a week".
So the lady takes the pills and comes back a week later...
"Doctor, those pills you gave me have not helped at all, in fact, they've now made my explusions of wind VERY smelly! Its SO embarrasing!"
The doctor then says "Well thats your sinuses cleared - now lets fix your deafness and we'll concentrate on the wind problem."

P E A C E ! !

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

Hanging the beaver...

Not a euphamism, but someone left this on my desk anonymously ages ago, and I have decided to do the decent thing:


Yes its being hung.
But speaking of euphamisms, here's a few I've heard for the act of onanism:
Spanking the monkey
Choking the chicken
Feeding the ducks
Bashing the bishop
Hand shandy
Five knuckle shuffle
Pocket billiards
Bashing one out
Visiting Mrs Palm and her five daughters
D.I.Y (Doing It Yourself)
Self-love
Tugging your Tallywhacker

Anyone else got any suggestions?

Anyway, a quiet day today. A couple of agents written, emails caught up on, some bugs fixed.
No plans for this evening either, pretty dull I know.
Soundstrack of the day: Korn's new studio album, and "Roots & Echoes" by The Coral.
Peace.
Update: Someone has pointed out in the comments that the animal being strung up is in fact a groundhog. I know this. But the title of the post would not be as funny if it was "Hanging the groundhog". Hence the term 'Beaver'. Yes I sacrificed factual accuracy for comedy. Sue me.

Monday, 20 August 2007

My kind of letter...

Printed here, unedited, is a letter to the Brand Manager at Proctor & Gamble... enjoy.

BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you *+*#*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

- Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons