Tuesday, 30 December 2008

So how was it for you?

So far so good. Jake has had a blast, and we all know this time of year is all about the kids. I have enjoyed my time away from work (who wouldn't?) and at the time of writing I still have 5 or 6 days of leave left (I say 5 or 6, because I might go back in Monday, I might not - undecided yet.)

As is usual for this time of year, thoughts turn to the upcoming next 12 months and resolutions.

I don't normally make any (well, how can you improve on perfection?...yeah, right) apart from maybe a couple of private ones that I try to stick to for my own good. I mean, I don't smoke, I don't drink excessively, I don't over-eat, and I keep reasonably fit. So it's hard to think of anything that most people would have on their list. There is, however, an interesting thing you can do this time of year - think of someone you know, and suggest a resolution for them. It can be as frivoulous or serious as you like. And, as a public service, I am willing to let you post them as comments to this post. I will even accept suggestions for myself... (what AM I letting myself in for...)

So, have at it, and you could even tell me what your own personal resolutions are to be.

Whatever you're doing tomorrow night (if anything) have fun, stay safe, and here's to a happy and prosperous 2009. Peace.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

'Twas the night before Christmas...

Yes, it's nearly here. So what will today hold for me? I'm 'working' until around lunchtime (I say 'working' because unless something amazingly important and vital goes wrong, I doubt very much if any actual work will be done today) and then I'm off until the 5th / 6th January. I have the 5th booked off, but I might come in, who knows? That's the crazy sort of person I am!

I bought the last of my presents last night - some alcohol - and again using Russ as an inspiration, I went down to Sainsburys at around 22.30 last night. "This will be nice and quiet" I thought... HA!
Yes, there were lots of shelf stackers etc. doing their jobs, but I was surprised at the amount of crazy people down there. Stressed wives who have obviously dragged their husbands out with them trying to buy the last few things for a Christmas dinner... single men with a wild, desperate look in their eyes trying to find that perfect gift in the "Sources & Food Of The World" aisle... Over excited and giddy children bombing around the place, not able to believe they're out and about that late and in a shop... till workers who look either bored out of their minds or off their little nuts on pot - or possibly mogadon...
Still, I managed to get in and out in about 10 minutes, so all was well and good.

If I don't manage a post tomorrow (I may do, during the quiet moments, if inspiration strikes) then have a wonderful Christmas. I hope all your gifts are refundable and all your food stays in you. Peace, love and good wishes to all.

Oh, and I got you all a Christmas present circa 1982... (you'll need to switch it on first).

Speak & Spell


Tuesday, 23 December 2008

A satisfying job

I know this is going to sound weird, what with me supposed to be a software developer and everything, but I just helped out the building maintenance man to plane a door.
Basically the main rear exit fire door needed the bottom planed as it was not opening or closing at all because of new carpet fitted underneath it. So we had to remove the door (bear in mind this is an external fire door so chuffin' heavy) and then plane it and re-hang it. We did it, of course, but the point is, is there anything more satisfying to a man than accomplishing something like that? There is a physical, actual, end result and the feeling of a job well done. Your hands are dirty, you've worked up a little sweat, and it gets you back in touch with your hunter / gatherer / provider instinct. A very good way to spend half hour this morning.
(And as the maintenance man has access to the stock cupboard, I got a diet coke and a couple of kit-kats for my reward!)

I must be changing

After football last night (crappy game - not enough people on my side could be bothered to run, so no one was tracking back, closing players down etc. I mean, come on, if you're gonna turn up and play, put the f****** effort in please!) I found myself going to the new Westfield shopping centre in Shepherds Bush. (Why? Long story).
Anyway, normally I would rather slice off the tips of my fingers and sink my hands into hot vinegar (think about that for a second... PAIN!) than go to a massive shopping center, especially this close to Xmas - but you know what? I actually enjoyed it! There were some really cool shops there (Vans store for example... I love Vans trainers... drool..) and it was surprisingly relaxed - not as manic or rushed or stressed as I thought it might be.
I also tried to work out why it felt different to the shopping centers (or malls) that I've been to in the U.S - and I think its because a) there's more packed into a smaller space and b) there aren't as many people in the malls in the U.S (well, not the one's I've been to anyway) as there were up at Westfield last night - bearing in mind it was like 20.30 - 21.00 I was up there.
So - another recommendation. If you live close enough then I strongly suggest you pay it a visit (maybe during the January sales?). Nearest tube is Shepherds Bush (better than driving) and it's open 'til 22.00 during the week (not sure about weekends - check the website, I can't do everything for you!)

Monday, 22 December 2008

New Look II

Following on from Russ's revamp, and after helping someone else out with their blog, I have decided to re-work the look and feel of iSimon.

I feel it's less 'busy', and easier to read. What do you think? Love it? Hate it?

Today's the day

I'll be getting the shopping done today. As soon as the shops round here are open, I'm gonna be in there buying the stuff I need. I have a list in my head of what I need, so I should hopefully be able to whizz round in about half an hour.
I'm not looking forward to it, of course, I mean what man looks forward to shopping? Especially this close to Christmas? But needs must etc.

With only a couple of days left at work (we can discount Christmas Eve, I think everyone's working a half day which means I can get away from here at around 11.00 - 11.30...) I'm looking forward to a few days away from the office. I've lost a bit of weight recently, which means I won't feel as guilty if I put back on a few pounds from eating and drinking lots of good stuff - my mothers Christmas dinner is always good, and there's always room for one more glass of wine, isn't there?

In other news, I STILL can't shake this poxy cold - I feel like I'm full up to the back teeth with snot and phlegm (sorry, for those eating at the time of reading this) which is making me cough and feel like I'm this close to choking. Joy.

Anyhoo - have a lovely Monday children. Three days to go!

Update: Shopping? I piss it. In and out in half an hour, all but two presents bought.
I should be able to finish off tomorrow.

Friday, 19 December 2008


Not much to report today - still got the bastard cold, and right now it's at that stage where I feel full up with phlegm (I know, I know, sorry) and whenever I cough, sneeze, sniff or breathe I feel like I'm drowning.

Six days until Christmas, and STILL nothing organised. I need to buy presents, wrap them and everything yet... I think I should be able to get everything done on Monday. But strangely, still no panicky feelings. Jake's suprisingly calm about things at the moment, but it's his last day at school today so no doubt starting at the weekend and definitely next week, he'll start to get excited.

So what do YOU want for Christmas?

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Why do I do this to myself?

Check this mo' fo' out...
Probably the world's largest spider, Heteropoda maxima has a colossal legspan of up to 12 inches (30 centimeters), according to a December 2008 WWF report.
Discovered in a large cave in northern Laos in 2001.
Guess where I will NOT be going on holiday??

Get a ruler and measure out 12 inches (I could say something rude about looking into my underwear but...) - now imagine a bastard spider with a legspan that wide... Creepin' Jebus that's scary.

I heard a rumor that leaving conkers in the corners of your house would deter spiders from sticking around... but this bastard would eat the things and then crawl up your leg saying "Now give me meat, bitch"... I think I've just pooped.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Observations for a Wednesday

Coughing sucks. I know, I know, you have all experienced a wrenching, painful, chesty, phlegmy, cough - but I have one at the moment and it's a bad one. It gives me a headache because I'm coughing so much, and it's been hard to sleep. Bastard.

Why are environmentalists always 'concerned'? I just listened to a news report on the TV, about airports being sold by BAA and how the new owners would want to expand them... much to the 'concern' of environmentalists. It must be miserable being an environmentalist - you're always concerned and there are so many things you have to worry about how can you just relax and enjoy life? New runways for airports, motorway expansions, redevelopment of waterways, parkland being given over to new schools / hospitals etc. etc. It seems every news report has SOMETHING that these poor environmentalists have to get their recycled knickers in a twist for... poor things.

With 8 days to Christmas, why am I not worried / panicky / stressing about the fact that I have NO presents bought yet? I would have thought that I would be quite wound up by this fact... but I seem surprisingly calm and collected. Is it the drugs? Is my mind protecing me some how? Who knows? But at the moment, I am quite at ease with the situation. I have no doubt I will have everything sorted by the big day even it means I am then skint for the next three and a half weeks!

More profound pronouncements tomorrow...

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Death warmed up

A curious phrase, but no doubt it sums up how I feel this morning.
I had about 3 hours sleep - I have caught number one son's cold and last night I couldn't lie down properly without choking, so I had to try and sleep sitting up, and even then I couldn't stop coughing. I think I eventually nodded off at around 3 something (the last time I checked the time it was 2.45 ish). So this morning I sound like Barry White when I talk, and because I have a mild abdominal strain it hurts every time I cough. My morning cup of tea tastes like hot water and nothing more... Geez, do I feel sorry for myself or what?

In other news, is it right to take offense at the tone of an email? Even though you don't know for sure if the person who sent it actually meant to cause offense, is it acceptable to be offended if the tone of the email makes you feel like that? That's the problem with email in my opinion (and I know I'm not the only one to think this) when you are typing out an email you are no doubt narrating the text in your head, in the tone of voice you want the words to be written in - but unfortunately, at the other end, they do not hear that same tone of voice. Maybe that's what's happened in this instance? I hope so, else I'll be having arguments later!

Oh, and the neon light above my desk isn't working this morning, so the whole office is bathed in its usual white, sterile glow but my desk is a little pool of darkness... kinda like my mood! (grumble grumble cough cough...)

Monday, 15 December 2008

Another reminder that the world is a scary, scary place

An excellently written, if scary, article...

6 Deadliest Creatures That Can Fit In Your Shoe

And while we're on the subject, check out Number 6 in this article... welcome to my hell.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Simple pleasures

Heated seats in your car on a freezing cold day...
That first bite of chocolate...
That first ice cold beer...
Hearing one of your favourite songs from your past...
Waking up early and being able to roll over and go back to sleep because its a weekend...
Hearing the voice of the one person who makes you feel like you're worth a damn just when you need to hear it most...
A really good wet shave...
A great book and a comfy chair when its cold and wet outside...
Being told you're loved...

A few things that don't cost any money but can make you feel, for a few minutes, that everything's right with the world... Care to add any to the list?

Monday, 8 December 2008

A bit of free advertising

I had cause to spend Sunday morning up in Regents Park this weekend. I haven't been up there for a few years, but if you live close enough I highly recommend it.
The residents parking and single yellow lines are not enforced on the residential streets around the park, so a quick 25 minute drive into London and you can park up and enjoy the park. Of course, London Zoo is also there, but we didn't get the chance to visit this time (and I don't think you're allowed to take dogs in!)
We were lucky with the weather - even though it was brass monkies (for our American cousins - Very Cold) - the sun was out and it was a clear blue sky. I don't want to sound like the London Tourism office, but I would strongly suggest a visit. And in these days of financial crap, its a great FREE activity for all the family.

Soundtrack of the day: "Only By The Night" by Kings Of Leon
Soup of the day: Minestrone

Friday, 5 December 2008

So, I'm back...

First of all, thank you for all the comments (and emails) sent to me by you, the concerned public. I know I didn't reply to those of you that I should have, but please don't take offense. As the previous post stated - "Exceptional Circumstances". However - apologies.
Here is a list of reasons why I have not been around at all. I'll let you pick the reason you want to believe in.

1) I have had a sex change operation and so am now no longer iSimon, but iSimone - it's taken 25 days for the swelling to go down enough on my new front bottom for me to be able to sit down comfortably.

2) I've been inside at her majesty's pleasure for 25 days, for the crime of driving while wearing nothing but a pair of emerald earrings and masturbating furiously to Christian rock.

3) I have been held captive for 25 days in a "Boxing Helena" kind of way by a scary fat bloke who insisted I called him 'Giggles', and I only managed to escape when he fell asleep after our 'playtime' and left my cage open.

4) I won big on the lottery and have been on a 3 week round-the-world holiday and have only returned to 'normal' life for a few days to laugh at all the poor folk (credit crunch? HA!)

5) I just didn't like you any more.

On a serious note - no one died, everyone is fit and healthy (me included), and I'm still employed. There has been a big change in my life, and its still on-going. The good thing is that this is a positive change, and will make the lives of myself, and the people around me, better.

So I'm back. I will try and keep this blog updated as regularly as possible, hopefully in an entertaining way, so spread the word...