Wednesday, 14 October 2009

As requested by Russ

In response to my previous post, Russ commented that he'd like:
A list of my top 10 albums of all time
A short story about a dwarf & a penguin
5 points that may make him think that all MP's aren't old crooks who couldn't run the country for toffee.

First of all, the top ten albums. This is VERY hard, because as most of you know, one album can be your favorite one day because of the mood you're in, one day it's not. But I will try and compile a list of 10 albums that, if I could only have 10 for a year, I would choose (in no particular order)

1. Definitely Maybe - Oasis
2. Sign Of The Times - Prince
3. The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
4. Rubber Soul - The Beatles
5. Grace - Jeff Buckley
6. Appetite For Destruction - Guns 'n' Roses
7. Automatic For The People - R.E.M
8. Chutes Too Narrow - The Shins
9. The Bends - Radiohead
10. The North At Its Heights - MC Tunes (guilty pleasure album)

The Dwarf & The Penguin
(a short story by iSimon)

The dwarf was puzzled. He didn't remember leaving the penguin in the freezer, but then again he had put away a fair amount of vodka last night, and this could be another in the list of things he couldn't remember along with where his shoes were, who painted a copy of the Turin shroud on his wall and why his bedroom smelled faintly of cheddar.
It was a large penguin. In fact, given the size of the freezer, it was impressive that someone had actually managed to get the whole thing in.
"Well this won't do" he thought to himself, and so he dragged it out and put in on the draining board next to the sink. It was like handling a very thick, very rubbery, piece of rock. It was literally frozen stiff.
After pouring himself a small sherry as a 'livener', he sat at the kitchen table and contemplated his new house guest. "This won't do at all" he thought. "Is it still alive? Can it still be alive?" well there was only one way to find out. Leaving the poor creature on the draining board to defrost he went and showered and dressed for the day.
Upon his arrival back into the kitchen, he noticed a pool of water forming around his rubbery house guest, and thought "It won't be long now... we'll see. I either have a new friend, or a free dinner". Another few sherry's later, and after a nap (well, a black-out) he was awoken by something tapping at his head. "Oi. Short arse. Up and at 'em". The dwarf's bleary eyes focused on the penguin as it stood there in all it's dinner-suit-looking glory, tapping it's foot and waving it's fins around in a slightly exasperated way.
"You're alive. Bugger." Said the dwarf.
"You can talk. Bugger again". He then said
"Yes I can talk, you silly little creature, and I want to know why you left me in your freezer."
"I have no idea" said our hero "but I'm sure if I put you in there, it was for a good reason."
"A good reason? Well, let's see how YOU like it..." and with that, our vertically-challenged man was bodily hoisted into the air, and man-handled (well, penguin-handled) into the freezer!
The door closed on his weak complaints, and through the door heard the penguin start to speak.
"So you don't remember the night out we had last night? There I was, minding my own business in the penguin park, when along comes you, stinking of vodka and cheap aftershave, singing a song about Japanese air hostesses. 'Hello pengy, me ol' mate' you shouted, even though my name is in fact Brian. 'Fancy a drink?' you asked. Well, of course, penguins don't drink, but that didn't stop you dragging me out of my pool of water and forcing me into a taxi at vodka-bottle point. 'We'll have fun, you'll see' you explained, and the proceeded to take me on a night of debauchery & sin that I don't think I'll ever recover from. We arrived back here, at your little hovel, with you practically falling down drunk, and me scared out of my wits. I was not happy. You then decided 'oh, you look sad, is it because you're too warm? Here, I'll help' and the next thing I know I'm forced into the bloody freezer!" This was quite a speech by the penguin, and by now our little hero was quite chilled to the bone.
"I'm s-s-sorry" the dwarf mumbled.
"Sorry? Sorry is it? You think that makes it better?" The penguin was not happy. "We'll see about sorry".
And with that the penguin walked from kitchen and turned out the lights.
Time passed. The dwarf wasn't sure how long, as all he could measure in the dark of the freezer was how often his teeth chattered between each slowing heart beat.
Suddenly, there was light. "There you poisoned little whatsit, you've had a taste of your own medicine... what do you think now?"
The dwarf, barely able to speak, looked the penguin in the eye and said "Well, I've learned my lesson. I'll never p-p-p-pick up a penguin ever again".

End.

And finally, the 5 points on why MP's aren't all crooks and couldn't run this country for toffee.

1. Er..
2. Um..
3. Uh...
4. Nope. Sorry, can't think of any.
5. Oh, no hang on! They... no. Sorry. They're all crooks and they don't know how lucky they are.

I hope that has sufficiently fulfilled your request my dear boy.

7 comments:

russ said...

Albums: Always hard, I think, to only think of 10. Some surprising choices in there, but only from my own personal point of view.

Short story: excellent. nicely written and with a "puinchline" that I honestly didnt see coming!

MPs: Yep, this was always going to be a tough nut to crack. I think the juxtaposition of the structure of the list with the hesistation and faltering of your answer gave us an honest feel of your perception of politician as a whole. And that perception is one I think we all hold.

Very good. 10/10. Gold star.

Manuel said...

definitely maybe? you bloody blue noses don't half stick together.....sake...


hehehehe

Simon said...

Manuel - come on, they may be blues, but the album is one of the best British albums for years.

I just want to say that after reading that list again this morning, it really is a snap shot of how I was feeling at the time... and it would only be the 10 albums I'd take for a year. Ask me to name another 10 in a weeks time and some of them will be different.

Phil Dawson said...

Surely Britney should have featured in the list..............well at least in the short story anyway!

Miss Wills said...

I loved the short story, was very funny, clever you :)

Anonymous said...

Obviously you have missed your calling as far as the short story goes. Very entertaining.

purplegirl said...

Ah, a Jeff Buckley fan! I knew there was something I liked about you.