So this is nothing like what I had planned to blog about but it's what I've been thinking about last night and this morning. My aversion to being photographed.
Now I know a lot of people feel similar to me in that they don't think they are very photogenic and would rather avoid appearing in a picture but I don't know anyone who has such a fear and loathing of it. Most people when push comes to shove will appear in a photo (not the "just pop your clothes on the chair" sort) even if they do complain a little. Whereas I will do anything to avoid it. One of the things that Jakes mum levelled at me during our break up was that she was disappointed she didn't have more pictures of us as a family to look back on and I must admit that I also wish I had more pictures of us together or of with me Jake - but this is not some conscious decision I made to think "I will not appear in pictures". It's just a fundamental part of my character that I cannot change.
I don't know where this started - I mean as a kid there are lots of pictures of me but in later life something changed in me and to this day I feel like a member of one of those Aboriginal tribes who think that every photograph taken takes a bit of your soul. Now obviously I know this isn't true but to try and make you understand, if someone wanted to do something to you that made you feel like it was stealing part of your soul wouldn't you want to avoid it? (Again, I KNOW photography doesn't steal part of your soul, so please don't focus on that part!)
I suppose all you amateur head doctors out there will point to a lack of self confidence, low self esteem, and a belief that I am not attractive and maybe that's part of it - however I know people who feel similar things but are still comfortable in front of a camera so that can't be the whole reason can it?
All I know is that I have taken some extreme measures to avoid being photographed in the past - every time a camera was pointed at me I would stick two fingers up in front of my face. People around me soon learned that if they didn't want a ruined picture they wouldn't include me.
I've timed group photos in such a way that I'm always either in the loo, in a different part of the house, or the one behind the camera.
Most recently someone was taking photos around the office before I left my last job and as soon as I saw the camera pointed towards out teams desks I hid under my desk! I shit you not.
Oh, but taking photos? No problems. I've helped strangers who wanted a group shot, things like that, and I actually compose quite good shots. But me in front of a camera? I want my (albeit tarnished) soul kept where it's supposed to be thank you.
Have a nice weekend all.