So this is nothing like what I had planned to blog about but it's what I've been thinking about last night and this morning. My aversion to being photographed.
Now I know a lot of people feel similar to me in that they don't think they are very photogenic and would rather avoid appearing in a picture but I don't know anyone who has such a fear and loathing of it. Most people when push comes to shove will appear in a photo (not the "just pop your clothes on the chair" sort) even if they do complain a little. Whereas I will do anything to avoid it. One of the things that Jakes mum levelled at me during our break up was that she was disappointed she didn't have more pictures of us as a family to look back on and I must admit that I also wish I had more pictures of us together or of with me Jake - but this is not some conscious decision I made to think "I will not appear in pictures". It's just a fundamental part of my character that I cannot change.
I don't know where this started - I mean as a kid there are lots of pictures of me but in later life something changed in me and to this day I feel like a member of one of those Aboriginal tribes who think that every photograph taken takes a bit of your soul. Now obviously I know this isn't true but to try and make you understand, if someone wanted to do something to you that made you feel like it was stealing part of your soul wouldn't you want to avoid it? (Again, I KNOW photography doesn't steal part of your soul, so please don't focus on that part!)
I suppose all you amateur head doctors out there will point to a lack of self confidence, low self esteem, and a belief that I am not attractive and maybe that's part of it - however I know people who feel similar things but are still comfortable in front of a camera so that can't be the whole reason can it?
All I know is that I have taken some extreme measures to avoid being photographed in the past - every time a camera was pointed at me I would stick two fingers up in front of my face. People around me soon learned that if they didn't want a ruined picture they wouldn't include me.
I've timed group photos in such a way that I'm always either in the loo, in a different part of the house, or the one behind the camera.
Most recently someone was taking photos around the office before I left my last job and as soon as I saw the camera pointed towards out teams desks I hid under my desk! I shit you not.
Oh, but taking photos? No problems. I've helped strangers who wanted a group shot, things like that, and I actually compose quite good shots. But me in front of a camera? I want my (albeit tarnished) soul kept where it's supposed to be thank you.
Have a nice weekend all.
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
Mid-life crisis
I was thinking as I was drifting off last night and I have started to understand why men enter a mid-life crisis and now easy it would be to succumb to one.
My body is not how it used to be - it's done some hard miles in these 38 years and bits are growing that I don't want to grow, going missing when I want to keep them, and generally changing in a most unpleasant way.
I can understand now how men (and probably some women) approach a point in their lives when they think "enough is enough". They realise that they will never be as slim, as fit, as attractive & young looking as they used to be and they react against it.
With men it's usually different clothes, expensive toys or letching after younger women. With women it's too much makeup, tummy tucks & boob jobs, and lusting after toy boys. (I know, there are some MASSIVE generalisations there but you get the picture...).
I'm starting to accept these home truths about myself now and I'm fighting against them with every fibre of my being. Don't worry - I'm not gonna start growing a comb over or buying a motorbike or chasing 21 year old girls because a) I don't have enough hair for a comb over b) I can't afford a motorbike and c) I'm not attractive to younger women in the slightest.
But my body is obviously telling me things when my achilles are killing me after playing football, my stomach will not shrink no matter what I do or don't eat, my body takes longer each morning to get started... its almost as if it's saying "accept who you are - you're NOT 25 any more no matter what you might think".
There is still some pride left in me that I don't want to be seen as a chunky, balding, flabby embarrassment of a dad to Jake. I want to still play football next season and walk a round of golf without needing oxygen and mouth-to-mouth by the 15th green. But maybe it's time I stop being so hard on myself and start accepting the shape my body is drifting into. I will never be a fat bastard - I'd chop off my hands to stop me eating before I'd let that happen - but punishing my body unnecessarily seems like a waste of the years I have left on this rock.
So there. A little insight into what I was thinking last night. No real point to the post.
Three days left to go before I leave here and I can't wait. Have a nice Wednesday.
My body is not how it used to be - it's done some hard miles in these 38 years and bits are growing that I don't want to grow, going missing when I want to keep them, and generally changing in a most unpleasant way.
I can understand now how men (and probably some women) approach a point in their lives when they think "enough is enough". They realise that they will never be as slim, as fit, as attractive & young looking as they used to be and they react against it.
With men it's usually different clothes, expensive toys or letching after younger women. With women it's too much makeup, tummy tucks & boob jobs, and lusting after toy boys. (I know, there are some MASSIVE generalisations there but you get the picture...).
I'm starting to accept these home truths about myself now and I'm fighting against them with every fibre of my being. Don't worry - I'm not gonna start growing a comb over or buying a motorbike or chasing 21 year old girls because a) I don't have enough hair for a comb over b) I can't afford a motorbike and c) I'm not attractive to younger women in the slightest.
But my body is obviously telling me things when my achilles are killing me after playing football, my stomach will not shrink no matter what I do or don't eat, my body takes longer each morning to get started... its almost as if it's saying "accept who you are - you're NOT 25 any more no matter what you might think".
There is still some pride left in me that I don't want to be seen as a chunky, balding, flabby embarrassment of a dad to Jake. I want to still play football next season and walk a round of golf without needing oxygen and mouth-to-mouth by the 15th green. But maybe it's time I stop being so hard on myself and start accepting the shape my body is drifting into. I will never be a fat bastard - I'd chop off my hands to stop me eating before I'd let that happen - but punishing my body unnecessarily seems like a waste of the years I have left on this rock.
So there. A little insight into what I was thinking last night. No real point to the post.
Three days left to go before I leave here and I can't wait. Have a nice Wednesday.
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Tuesday
So the countdown has begun - nearly half way through my fourth-to-last day here.
As it is with a lot of jobs I'm guessing, it's proving very hard to stay motivated. I really don't need to be here anymore, I've done all I can work-wise and I'm not being given anything of substance to get on with and pass the time (understandable of course).
Once I leave here I have a total of 16 working days off (woohoo!) before starting my new career - so it's even harder to keep on getting up and coming in here this week.
Tonight I have another golf lesson and then I'll be collecting Jake and having him tonight.
The rest of the week cannot pass quickly enough - and I'm trying to work out how early I can get away with leaving on Friday afternoon!
Finally, although I will be posting my latest blog post on Twitter & Facebook, I am still not taking part for the forseeable future. But I do need to get my blogs out there and Twitter & Facebook are good for that.
Have a good Tuesday.
As it is with a lot of jobs I'm guessing, it's proving very hard to stay motivated. I really don't need to be here anymore, I've done all I can work-wise and I'm not being given anything of substance to get on with and pass the time (understandable of course).
Once I leave here I have a total of 16 working days off (woohoo!) before starting my new career - so it's even harder to keep on getting up and coming in here this week.
Tonight I have another golf lesson and then I'll be collecting Jake and having him tonight.
The rest of the week cannot pass quickly enough - and I'm trying to work out how early I can get away with leaving on Friday afternoon!
Finally, although I will be posting my latest blog post on Twitter & Facebook, I am still not taking part for the forseeable future. But I do need to get my blogs out there and Twitter & Facebook are good for that.
Have a good Tuesday.
Friday, 11 March 2011
Friday
I would so like to be in what is generally known as a 'Friday mood' today but alas I'm really not in that frame of mind.
I have a very big appointment later this afternoon - when I say big I mean it could be literally life changing. So my mind is full of "what if's", my stomach is churning and my ring is going from 5p to 50p and back again quicker than a humming birds wings.
I have been visited by the insomnia fairy again (I picture her as a great big fat lass with bad breath and steel toed boots that kicks me in the head in the dead of night and then bounces around on my bed so I can't get back to sleep). This week I think I've totalled about 15 hours sleep with a few hours light dozing. As you can imagine my mind is a little fuzzy round the edges (well more so than usual) which isn't great preparation for later today. So - leaving the office at around 12.30 today and then by tea time tonight I may have some news. Stay tuned.
Later...
So they must have seen enough because they offered me the job. I've tentatively accepted - not going to sign anything until I've had a proper think about it - but I'm pretty sure my new career will start in about 4 weeks.
I would be more happy and excited but I'm really not with it at the moment. Lack of sleep is a bitch. And I've had an extremely shitty week.
Jake here for the weekend (yay) and all we really have planned is hair cuts tomorrow and then he has Stagecoach on Sunday.
Have a nice weekend everyone.
I have a very big appointment later this afternoon - when I say big I mean it could be literally life changing. So my mind is full of "what if's", my stomach is churning and my ring is going from 5p to 50p and back again quicker than a humming birds wings.
I have been visited by the insomnia fairy again (I picture her as a great big fat lass with bad breath and steel toed boots that kicks me in the head in the dead of night and then bounces around on my bed so I can't get back to sleep). This week I think I've totalled about 15 hours sleep with a few hours light dozing. As you can imagine my mind is a little fuzzy round the edges (well more so than usual) which isn't great preparation for later today. So - leaving the office at around 12.30 today and then by tea time tonight I may have some news. Stay tuned.
Later...
So they must have seen enough because they offered me the job. I've tentatively accepted - not going to sign anything until I've had a proper think about it - but I'm pretty sure my new career will start in about 4 weeks.
I would be more happy and excited but I'm really not with it at the moment. Lack of sleep is a bitch. And I've had an extremely shitty week.
Jake here for the weekend (yay) and all we really have planned is hair cuts tomorrow and then he has Stagecoach on Sunday.
Have a nice weekend everyone.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
An explanation
Last night I sent my last tweet & facebook status update.
Although at the time I had every intention of them being my last (full stop. The end. No more.) I will add a caveat that they are my last "for now".
Without wanting to go into a massive explanation ("but what about the title of the post?") I have had my fingers burned twice now because of social networking applications. I feel that for the forseeable future my sanity, emotional well being and stress levels will be best served by avoiding the whole mess of it.
I'd like to thank the people on Twitter for following me, #FF'ing me, and making me laugh and think alot. And I'd like to thank the people on Facebook for the same (apart from the #FF bit obviously).
I wish you all the very best for whatever your future holds. I will continue to blog (hopefully) so if you feel so inclined please feel free to drop by and catch up.
Thanks.
Although at the time I had every intention of them being my last (full stop. The end. No more.) I will add a caveat that they are my last "for now".
Without wanting to go into a massive explanation ("but what about the title of the post?") I have had my fingers burned twice now because of social networking applications. I feel that for the forseeable future my sanity, emotional well being and stress levels will be best served by avoiding the whole mess of it.
I'd like to thank the people on Twitter for following me, #FF'ing me, and making me laugh and think alot. And I'd like to thank the people on Facebook for the same (apart from the #FF bit obviously).
I wish you all the very best for whatever your future holds. I will continue to blog (hopefully) so if you feel so inclined please feel free to drop by and catch up.
Thanks.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Rant!
I know I've already posted today and I know I have posted about this before in the past (I think) but I had to have another blast about the parking outside my house. People can only park on one side of the street (my side) and that's fair enough but what pisses me off more than grit in my undercrackers is when people don't park in a way to allow room for other cars. Some people (like those stuck up shit boxes opposite me) purposely park just so they can be right opposite their front door without any consideration for anyone else. If it's a nice evening and I have had an ok day at work then I don't mind so much parking a little way away and walking but when I've had a shite day and a shite journey home and I have stuff to carry I want to park outside my own bloody house. And when I can't I want to break things. Preferably those inconsiderate bastards who have taken up two spaces.
And...... Relax. Rant over :-)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
And...... Relax. Rant over :-)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday
Hello.
A quick catch up - I've been tasked with creating a new application (a small one) to show my potential new employer that I am up to the job. The actual application is quite straight forward but I'm stuggling with certain parts of it. It's REALLY frustrating because what I am trying to achieve I could do in my current technologies reasonably quickly, but the fact I am trying to learn this new language as I go is proving a bit of a pig. It doesn't help that I can only do it after work which means I am getting home at around 6.30, dealing with Jake and making dinner (if he's with me) spending time with him and THEN starting the work... by which time I've done a full days work and an evenings parenting which means I'm shattered. If I didn't want this job so much I wouldn't be so stressed about it but I really want this job!
I have three more evenings to try and make some more progress and then this Friday is D-Day *bom bom baaaaah*.
I think I am going to get as much done as I can, and if it's not complete to the standard I would want it to be I will just try and talk my way through it and see what the owners think. I just know that as Friday approaches my stress level will slowly rise...
I've not been on twitter or facebook much over the weekend... I tend to pay more attention to it during the week. There are a lot of funny people on twitter that I would recommend you follow.
If you're already on twitter you can follow me here - if you're NOT on twitter yet get yourself to the Homepage and create an account. It's easy.
Have a good day today and keep coming back here - more posts every day. And if you like my blog, please pass it onto others and leave lots of lovely comments!
A quick catch up - I've been tasked with creating a new application (a small one) to show my potential new employer that I am up to the job. The actual application is quite straight forward but I'm stuggling with certain parts of it. It's REALLY frustrating because what I am trying to achieve I could do in my current technologies reasonably quickly, but the fact I am trying to learn this new language as I go is proving a bit of a pig. It doesn't help that I can only do it after work which means I am getting home at around 6.30, dealing with Jake and making dinner (if he's with me) spending time with him and THEN starting the work... by which time I've done a full days work and an evenings parenting which means I'm shattered. If I didn't want this job so much I wouldn't be so stressed about it but I really want this job!
I have three more evenings to try and make some more progress and then this Friday is D-Day *bom bom baaaaah*.
I think I am going to get as much done as I can, and if it's not complete to the standard I would want it to be I will just try and talk my way through it and see what the owners think. I just know that as Friday approaches my stress level will slowly rise...
I've not been on twitter or facebook much over the weekend... I tend to pay more attention to it during the week. There are a lot of funny people on twitter that I would recommend you follow.
If you're already on twitter you can follow me here - if you're NOT on twitter yet get yourself to the Homepage and create an account. It's easy.
Have a good day today and keep coming back here - more posts every day. And if you like my blog, please pass it onto others and leave lots of lovely comments!
Friday, 4 March 2011
Friday
First of all, sorry I've missed a couple of days. Things went a bit quiet so there wasn't much worth blogging about. However, I do have something to talk about today.
I've been feeling rather unattractive and frumpy lately. (OK I just read that back and it makes me sound like a middle aged housewife, but bear with me). Now I'm no Max Branning but we all go through life, especially if we're involved with someone, have a small amount of confidence in our looks - "if x fancies / wants me then I can't be too hideous". But recently I've lost that little bit of confidence. I think there are a couple of reasons for this... I've put on a little weight, I've lost even more confidence in myself than usual... (I can now hear you all going "aawwww" - but please there's no need). Something happened on the way home last night that perked me up a little though.
There was a lot of traffic on the M60 coming home, so we were all crawling along going nowhere fast. I was singing along and sit-down-dancing to Absolute Radio 90's (an awesome station - check it out here) and I looked to my left and there was this young studenty looking girl. Couldn't have been any more than 24. And she was smiling at me. "Shit" thinks I, "she just saw me singing & dancing - what a tool". So blushing, I kind of gave a half smile and told myself to stop acting like a mental patient when stuck in traffic.
We inched forward a little more and I heard a horn go... looked over to my left again and this girl was still smiling and now she waved. "OK, you're obviously mental to be smiling at me" thinks our hero. So I kind of gave a small wave and a smile back to be polite and then... she blew a kiss at me! I shit you not. Now the list of things that went through my head were:
"She's mental"
"She's taking the piss"
"She's blind" (a clever trick if seeing as she's driving)
"She's winning a bet"
"She thinks I'm famous" (I refer you to the Max Branning picture above)
"She's drunk"
"She's having a laugh at my expense"
But then I did myself a favour and thought... maybe she's genuinely attracted to me. Maybe I'm just her type and she's spotted me and I do strange things to her lady garden.
Anyway the traffic eased and we moved off and I sped on home. But I arrived with a new sense of feeling a bit better about myself - so thank you mysterious (possibly mental) girl on the M60.
Have a nice weekend all - and stay tuned. More posts tomorrow and Sunday.
I've been feeling rather unattractive and frumpy lately. (OK I just read that back and it makes me sound like a middle aged housewife, but bear with me). Now I'm no Max Branning but we all go through life, especially if we're involved with someone, have a small amount of confidence in our looks - "if x fancies / wants me then I can't be too hideous". But recently I've lost that little bit of confidence. I think there are a couple of reasons for this... I've put on a little weight, I've lost even more confidence in myself than usual... (I can now hear you all going "aawwww" - but please there's no need). Something happened on the way home last night that perked me up a little though.
There was a lot of traffic on the M60 coming home, so we were all crawling along going nowhere fast. I was singing along and sit-down-dancing to Absolute Radio 90's (an awesome station - check it out here) and I looked to my left and there was this young studenty looking girl. Couldn't have been any more than 24. And she was smiling at me. "Shit" thinks I, "she just saw me singing & dancing - what a tool". So blushing, I kind of gave a half smile and told myself to stop acting like a mental patient when stuck in traffic.
We inched forward a little more and I heard a horn go... looked over to my left again and this girl was still smiling and now she waved. "OK, you're obviously mental to be smiling at me" thinks our hero. So I kind of gave a small wave and a smile back to be polite and then... she blew a kiss at me! I shit you not. Now the list of things that went through my head were:
"She's mental"
"She's taking the piss"
"She's blind" (a clever trick if seeing as she's driving)
"She's winning a bet"
"She thinks I'm famous" (I refer you to the Max Branning picture above)
"She's drunk"
"She's having a laugh at my expense"
But then I did myself a favour and thought... maybe she's genuinely attracted to me. Maybe I'm just her type and she's spotted me and I do strange things to her lady garden.
Anyway the traffic eased and we moved off and I sped on home. But I arrived with a new sense of feeling a bit better about myself - so thank you mysterious (possibly mental) girl on the M60.
Have a nice weekend all - and stay tuned. More posts tomorrow and Sunday.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Tuesday (but on Wednesday)
I had a golf lesson last night. I've booked a block of three and plus an hour assesment of my game using video cameras. Last night was the hour video assesment. I've not been in front of a camera since that night with those nice young ladies from Vietnam... but I digress.
The purpose of the lessons is to get more consistency in my game. I can hit through the bag (which means I'm OK with every club) but I can't do it every time which is where I need to improve.
Last night the pro who was teaching me (the last time I said that "pro" it was short for "prostitute" and she was teaching me... well, that's another story). Anyway, his name was Adrian and he was a really nice guy and obviously knows his stuff. He has made two quite fundemental changes to my setup and swing which I know I'm going to stuggle with but I do understand why he has made these changes and I know that they will benefit my game. I just found it quite frustrating last night because I knew what he wanted me to do but getting my body to do it was hard. It was only near the end of the lesson that I started to bully my body into behaving. The important part now is to practice between lessons which I aim to start doing on Saturday morning.
The rest of this week is made up of having Jake tonight and tomorrow night which of course is awesome. Oh, and I have things to do with regards to my potential new job... more on that at a later date.
The purpose of the lessons is to get more consistency in my game. I can hit through the bag (which means I'm OK with every club) but I can't do it every time which is where I need to improve.
Last night the pro who was teaching me (the last time I said that "pro" it was short for "prostitute" and she was teaching me... well, that's another story). Anyway, his name was Adrian and he was a really nice guy and obviously knows his stuff. He has made two quite fundemental changes to my setup and swing which I know I'm going to stuggle with but I do understand why he has made these changes and I know that they will benefit my game. I just found it quite frustrating last night because I knew what he wanted me to do but getting my body to do it was hard. It was only near the end of the lesson that I started to bully my body into behaving. The important part now is to practice between lessons which I aim to start doing on Saturday morning.
The rest of this week is made up of having Jake tonight and tomorrow night which of course is awesome. Oh, and I have things to do with regards to my potential new job... more on that at a later date.
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