Why do I do this to myself?

Check this mo' fo' out...
Probably the world's largest spider, Heteropoda maxima has a colossal legspan of up to 12 inches (30 centimeters), according to a December 2008 WWF report.
Discovered in a large cave in northern Laos in 2001.
Guess where I will NOT be going on holiday??

Get a ruler and measure out 12 inches (I could say something rude about looking into my underwear but...) - now imagine a bastard spider with a legspan that wide... Creepin' Jebus that's scary.

I heard a rumor that leaving conkers in the corners of your house would deter spiders from sticking around... but this bastard would eat the things and then crawl up your leg saying "Now give me meat, bitch"... I think I've just pooped.

Observations for a Wednesday

Coughing sucks. I know, I know, you have all experienced a wrenching, painful, chesty, phlegmy, cough - but I have one at the moment and it's a bad one. It gives me a headache because I'm coughing so much, and it's been hard to sleep. Bastard.

Why are environmentalists always 'concerned'? I just listened to a news report on the TV, about airports being sold by BAA and how the new owners would want to expand them... much to the 'concern' of environmentalists. It must be miserable being an environmentalist - you're always concerned and there are so many things you have to worry about how can you just relax and enjoy life? New runways for airports, motorway expansions, redevelopment of waterways, parkland being given over to new schools / hospitals etc. etc. It seems every news report has SOMETHING that these poor environmentalists have to get their recycled knickers in a twist for... poor things.

With 8 days to Christmas, why am I not worried / panicky / stressing about the fact that I have NO presents bought yet? I would have thought that I would be quite wound up by this fact... but I seem surprisingly calm and collected. Is it the drugs? Is my mind protecing me some how? Who knows? But at the moment, I am quite at ease with the situation. I have no doubt I will have everything sorted by the big day even it means I am then skint for the next three and a half weeks!

More profound pronouncements tomorrow...

Death warmed up

A curious phrase, but no doubt it sums up how I feel this morning.
I had about 3 hours sleep - I have caught number one son's cold and last night I couldn't lie down properly without choking, so I had to try and sleep sitting up, and even then I couldn't stop coughing. I think I eventually nodded off at around 3 something (the last time I checked the time it was 2.45 ish). So this morning I sound like Barry White when I talk, and because I have a mild abdominal strain it hurts every time I cough. My morning cup of tea tastes like hot water and nothing more... Geez, do I feel sorry for myself or what?

In other news, is it right to take offense at the tone of an email? Even though you don't know for sure if the person who sent it actually meant to cause offense, is it acceptable to be offended if the tone of the email makes you feel like that? That's the problem with email in my opinion (and I know I'm not the only one to think this) when you are typing out an email you are no doubt narrating the text in your head, in the tone of voice you want the words to be written in - but unfortunately, at the other end, they do not hear that same tone of voice. Maybe that's what's happened in this instance? I hope so, else I'll be having arguments later!

Oh, and the neon light above my desk isn't working this morning, so the whole office is bathed in its usual white, sterile glow but my desk is a little pool of darkness... kinda like my mood! (grumble grumble cough cough...)

Another reminder that the world is a scary, scary place

An excellently written, if scary, article...

6 Deadliest Creatures That Can Fit In Your Shoe

And while we're on the subject, check out Number 6 in this article... welcome to my hell.

Simple pleasures

Heated seats in your car on a freezing cold day...
That first bite of chocolate...
That first ice cold beer...
Hearing one of your favourite songs from your past...
Waking up early and being able to roll over and go back to sleep because its a weekend...
Hearing the voice of the one person who makes you feel like you're worth a damn just when you need to hear it most...
A really good wet shave...
A great book and a comfy chair when its cold and wet outside...
Being told you're loved...

A few things that don't cost any money but can make you feel, for a few minutes, that everything's right with the world... Care to add any to the list?

A bit of free advertising

I had cause to spend Sunday morning up in Regents Park this weekend. I haven't been up there for a few years, but if you live close enough I highly recommend it.
The residents parking and single yellow lines are not enforced on the residential streets around the park, so a quick 25 minute drive into London and you can park up and enjoy the park. Of course, London Zoo is also there, but we didn't get the chance to visit this time (and I don't think you're allowed to take dogs in!)
We were lucky with the weather - even though it was brass monkies (for our American cousins - Very Cold) - the sun was out and it was a clear blue sky. I don't want to sound like the London Tourism office, but I would strongly suggest a visit. And in these days of financial crap, its a great FREE activity for all the family.

Soundtrack of the day: "Only By The Night" by Kings Of Leon
Soup of the day: Minestrone

So, I'm back...

First of all, thank you for all the comments (and emails) sent to me by you, the concerned public. I know I didn't reply to those of you that I should have, but please don't take offense. As the previous post stated - "Exceptional Circumstances". However - apologies.
Here is a list of reasons why I have not been around at all. I'll let you pick the reason you want to believe in.

1) I have had a sex change operation and so am now no longer iSimon, but iSimone - it's taken 25 days for the swelling to go down enough on my new front bottom for me to be able to sit down comfortably.

2) I've been inside at her majesty's pleasure for 25 days, for the crime of driving while wearing nothing but a pair of emerald earrings and masturbating furiously to Christian rock.

3) I have been held captive for 25 days in a "Boxing Helena" kind of way by a scary fat bloke who insisted I called him 'Giggles', and I only managed to escape when he fell asleep after our 'playtime' and left my cage open.

4) I won big on the lottery and have been on a 3 week round-the-world holiday and have only returned to 'normal' life for a few days to laugh at all the poor folk (credit crunch? HA!)

5) I just didn't like you any more.

On a serious note - no one died, everyone is fit and healthy (me included), and I'm still employed. There has been a big change in my life, and its still on-going. The good thing is that this is a positive change, and will make the lives of myself, and the people around me, better.

So I'm back. I will try and keep this blog updated as regularly as possible, hopefully in an entertaining way, so spread the word...

Peace.