Painless

A surprisingly painless journey to and from Birmingham yesterday. Trains were on time, they weren't filled with annoying things like other people, and it was all more or less hassle free.
It is a shame that they are not more reliable, because I still maintain that travelling by train is a very pleasant way to get to where you want to go. But you can't beat the complete freedom you get with your own car.
Speaking of which, I have a 3 - 3.5 hour drive to look forward to tomorrow after work, up to Manchester. Its not too bad, just a bit boring when you're on your own, so I'll be looking to buy a decent audio book today to ease the journey.
Oh, and a big CONGRATULATIONS to my friend Phil and his girlfriend - they got engaged at the weekend. Well done to you both.
Soundtrack of the day: "Wincing The Night Away" by The Shins.

Bank Holiday

Public holiday in the UK today, Bank Holiday Monday. I spent it mowing the lawn (the grass was a state - very long and thick so it wasn't a quick job) popping down the golf range, and generally relaxing.
I haven't updated you listeners on my bank charge case recently. Well, it has been tranferred to my local county court, and I am about to return the allocation questionaire to the court on Wednesday. (This is costing me £100.00, but I can claim it back). Once this has been submitted, I should eventually receive my court date, at which point (so far) the bank have been settling. I am quite prepared to go to court if need be, so we'll see what happens next.
Im in Birmingham all day tomorrow (another train journey... hhmmm!) then in the office Wednesday and Thursday. Thursday night I drive up to Didsbury in Manchester to play golf on Friday. An eventful week.
Have a nice evening all....
Update: I forgot to mention, I played two rounds of online golf on Saturday with my friend Scott, and Im ashamed to admit I got well and truely spanked! He's now 3 - 1 up in the series...

Its the weekend

Sorry, no post yesterday. Played golf, (not too bad, but not as good as I want to be, annoyingly!) and after playing golf on Wednesday, football on Thursday and golf yesterday my body is really suffering... back ache, stomach ache, calf ache, thigh ache... God Im getting old.
I have a whole day to myself today, so Im gonna be tidying and cleaning this morning, playing online golf with a friend in the U.S at lunchtime, watching football this afternoon.
Blogger has added a new video upload facility... now there's a thing. Imagine the sorts of things that could be posted up? If I can think of anything interesting, maybe I'll post something up.
Busy week for me next week. Bank holiday on Monday, then Im in Birmingham on Tuesday, in the office Wednesday and Thursday then playing golf up in Didsbury on Friday (which Im really looking forward to).
Have a good weekend all.

Buyers Remorse

Just spent £***.** on a new set of irons.... buyers remorse kicking in BIG time....
Gonna be worth it though, will last me a while, they are good quality, a good name (Mizuno) and they were reduced by 59% - a special offer. I know, I know, who am I trying to convince?!

Someone should take my credit cards away.

Still, its Friday tomorrow, then a long weekend (bank holiday Monday). Im off up to Birmingham next Tuesday for the day, and Im playing golf on next Friday in Didsbury (Manchester) with one of my wife's cousins.. (he's actually a good friend of mine now too).

Nothing else much happening in Simon world right now... have a good rest of the day and good Friday people. Via Con Dios....

The Beers Prayer

A seperate post for this one - all those struggling alchoholics repeat after me:

Our Lager,
Which Art In Barrels,
Hallowed Be Thy Drink.

Thy Will Be Drunk,
(I Will Be Drunk),
At Home As In The Tavern.

Give Us This Day Our Foamy Head,
And Forgive Us Our Spillages,
As We Forgive Those Who Spill
Against Us.

And Lead Us Not Into Incarceration,
But Deliver Us From Hangovers.

For Thine Is The Beer,
The Bitter And The Lager,
For Ever And Ever,
Barmen.

Trawling the net...

I've been looking at various sites this morning (yes, Im bored) and I've decided to post any bits I find interesting on this post - so expect a few updates as the day goes on:

Head Size Hail Stones!

What A Sonic Boom Looks Like

Cool Geek Site (Yes Im One Too, A Bit)

More soon....

Modern Day Pirates! Cool!

Hell Hath No Fury...

Space Balloons

Ouch!

Wish I hadn't started this now, Im find so much cool stuff...

Russian Wedding Pics

Super Disco Breakin'

Good morning.
I can see some very crappy weather outside my window today - and Im supposed to be playing golf. Bastard.
I dont know if anyone saw this news article Arrests Over M40 Biker Death but I found it quite disturbing - can you imagine driving alone and seeing this happen? You'd be forgiven for thinking you'd wandered into some sort of road movie. And how will this escalate? Will we see biker gangs fighting all out wars along our roads? Scary...
Dont get me wrong, sometimes it would be very tempting to let loose the heat seeking missiles from under my bonnet to clear some mentalist toss pot out of my way, but can you imagine seeing someone just drive next to a biker and 'pop' with a gun... Jeez.

Oh, and just another quick thank you for those who have commented on both the 'euphamism' post and the post about the 'causing pain' question. I know its a hassle writing comments out, but I do appreciate it.

Soundtrack of the day: Old Skool Rap - Beastie Boys, Cypress Hill, N.W.A and Public Enemy (Yeeeaahhh Boyyeeeee!)

Finally, a joke (told to me today by the guy I hunt pigeons with... one shot one kill today!)

A woman goes into the doctors. She says, "I have really bad wind - I mean REALLY bad. But the good thing is they are silent, and odourless. I must have passed wind about 10 times just talking to you now. What can you do to help me?".
The doctor says "Well, take these pills, and come back to see me in a week".
So the lady takes the pills and comes back a week later...
"Doctor, those pills you gave me have not helped at all, in fact, they've now made my explusions of wind VERY smelly! Its SO embarrasing!"
The doctor then says "Well thats your sinuses cleared - now lets fix your deafness and we'll concentrate on the wind problem."

P E A C E ! !

Hanging the beaver...

Not a euphamism, but someone left this on my desk anonymously ages ago, and I have decided to do the decent thing:


Yes its being hung.
But speaking of euphamisms, here's a few I've heard for the act of onanism:
Spanking the monkey
Choking the chicken
Feeding the ducks
Bashing the bishop
Hand shandy
Five knuckle shuffle
Pocket billiards
Bashing one out
Visiting Mrs Palm and her five daughters
D.I.Y (Doing It Yourself)
Self-love
Tugging your Tallywhacker

Anyone else got any suggestions?

Anyway, a quiet day today. A couple of agents written, emails caught up on, some bugs fixed.
No plans for this evening either, pretty dull I know.
Soundstrack of the day: Korn's new studio album, and "Roots & Echoes" by The Coral.
Peace.
Update: Someone has pointed out in the comments that the animal being strung up is in fact a groundhog. I know this. But the title of the post would not be as funny if it was "Hanging the groundhog". Hence the term 'Beaver'. Yes I sacrificed factual accuracy for comedy. Sue me.

My kind of letter...

Printed here, unedited, is a letter to the Brand Manager at Proctor & Gamble... enjoy.

BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you *+*#*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

- Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons

I'm back

And yes, it was a very nice holiday, thanks for asking. Sun was out all week (temps. between 27 and 32 degrees centigrade) clear blue skies and nothing to do but relax, read, eat and drink.
Both the outgoing and homecoming flights went without a hitch. The driving over in Spain was easy (I've done it before) so all in all a stress free holiday.
City are top of the league (the ONLY team in the premiership with a 100% record! Get in) so the season has started well. But it is amazing how quickly one gets back into the same ol' routine.
This week: Golf range tonight, nothing tomorrow night, Golf on Wednesday, football Thursday, then a long weekend (Bank Holiday next Monday for those who didnt know).
If I can be arsed I might post a couple of pics from the holiday later. Until then, peace.

Last day in the office...

...for 11 days! I have a few hours lefts, then no more office till a week on Monday. Lovely.
This might be my last post for a while, unless I post on Friday. Thanks again to the people who commented on my 'questions' post, and Im disappointed in the people I know have read this and not commented. You can imagine me frowning at you and slowly shaking my head.
If this is the last post for a while, have a good week next week listeners, and I'll hopefully have some interesting things to post when I get back.
Soundtrack of the day: "Leaving Planet Dust" by The Chemical Brothers (old skool).
Link of the day: Basic Instructions (Check out all the archives... they're very funny).

I'll leave you with a thought exercise. You dont have to answer this, but if you want to post your thoughts on how it made you feel, then cool. There are three parts to it.

Picture someone you love or care for a great deal. Someone you trust implicitly and without question. Now...

That person is going to hurt you. They will say "In the next 10 seconds I am going to push a needle into your arm. You cannot stop be doing this. I will push it in and make you feel pain". In those next 10 seconds, how would that make you feel?

Now switch it. Picture that same person. You have the needle. You are going to push it into that persons arm. There is nothing that they can do to stop you. It will cause them a great deal of pain. In those 10 seconds how does THAT make you feel?

Finally - which made you feel worse?

Discuss....

Four days to go

First of all, thank you to the TWO people who have commented on yesterdays post. I dont even know one of them! But they had the decency to answer the questions, so thank you. All the rest of you that read this and don't comment - for shame! Sort it out! God you're making me sound desperate.

Some of you more eagle eyed people may have noticed my blog pic has changed. I've been Simpsonized! Check it out at http://www.simpsonizeme.com

So I have today to get through, then Im playing golf (at a new course for me today - Thorney Park in Iver). The tomorrow I will be finishing things off at my desk and then playing football in the evening. Friday I will then be working from home and sorting out things like currency and packing then its off to Sunny Spain on Saturday morning!

Have a good Wednesday all. Oh, Soundtrack of the day will be "10,000 Fists" by Disturbed. (Yes its exactly how you'd imagine it to sound!)

Another request

I want to see how many people read this on any sort of regular basis. Answer these questions for me via the comments and all will be published.

1) Name three things you would take out of your house if it was on fire (loved ones not included - assume they are not there).
2) If you could go back in time to any point in your life and relive it, what would it be?
3) Think of a person you know (you dont have to name them) and write something complimentary about them.

Have a happy Tuesday.

Countdown to my holiday

This Saturday we are off to Spain. We fly from Gatwick at 9 something in the AM, and come back the following Saturday. So you know that this week is going to drag until about Friday, when I realise I haven't done anything to get ready for it and Friday itself will be over in a blink of an eye.
I think I've got all the clothes and stuff I need, we just need to sort out currency and all the other little bits and pieces. (Oh, and I need to get a hair cut).
Not much happened over the weekend apart from the temperature being up! Bloody hot it was.
Good news though - the football season is back! yay! Watched the Charity... sorry Community Shield on Sunday, and it felt like the closed season had flown by. The Premier League kicks off this Saturday, and City are away to West Ham. So be prepared every Monday now for seeing how my mood is affected by the result on the previous Saturday.
Not much planned this week, apart from the usual golf on Wednesday (we're playing somewhere called Thorney Park in Iver this week) and probably football on Thursday.
Have a good Monday all.

Weekend at last

I am knackered again today. We were supposed to be playing football at 7.30 last night. We all turned up (well, I say all, there was only 8 of us!) but the pitch had been booked for 8.30 not 7.30. So did we do the sensible thing and find a bar to wait in? No, we were given the use of a seven-a-side pitch as it wasn't being used (which is bigger than a five-a-side pitch) and played for about 45 minutes on there. Four a side. LOADS of running... THEN we went onto our alloted five-a-side pitch and played an hour on that! Now I do enjoy the hard work, and afterwards you do feel good about working so hard, but this morning, my God, Im sore.
So did anyone see this story in the news? Its not the Friday afternoon slacker bit that got me (if you worked here, you'd know some people treat every bloody day like a Friday afternoon, but I digress) its the piece of software that can monitor employee absensces and "detects patterns of absence and recommends appropriate disciplinary action." You just know the person who developed this is some annoying little jobsworth who pulled the wings off flies and used to tell tales at school about the cool kids getting off with each other in the park at lunchtimes.

Anyway, have a great weekend all, and my Soundtrack of the day today will be "Life In Cartoon Motion" by Mika as Im feeling in a...erm... 'flamboyant' mood today! Peace.

Coughing

I can't get rid of this poxy cough. I feel absolutely fine (you know, the normal mixture of paranoia, guilt, tiredness, overweight, old, miserable, angry, etc.) but this bloody cough will not go.
There has been no post for a couple of days - not much going on outside of work, but I have been busy at work for a change so not much chance of getting to write a post. Not much been going on - Jake is at tennis camp all week (its the school holidays), I played golf yesterday (shot 85! woohoo!)
and am playing football tonight. I might be playing golf Friday (dont know yet) and then its the weekend when its supposed to be 27 degrees c. on Saturday... eek! I hate the heat.

Three bad jokes for you:

1. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

2. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Soundtrack of the day: All the albums by The Black Keys.